03.20am

I cant believe we're shooting a music video in less than 12 hours and noone is suggesting concepts or even talked about a videographer or lighting I AM OUT OF MY ELEMENT I need to take charge already if my hmx is gonna be represented by this one video I want it to be presentable (just a less intense way of expressing my want for perfection)
Also I watched chris give jojo her custom guitar and now I want to pick up the guitar again
(again aka probably starting from scratch cause I can remember nothing I cant remember chords I only remember one plucking melody and I remember my fingers hurting and how oversized normal guitars are)
I also feel like picking up sign language ive always felt that it would be a cool lifeskill to have
Idk honestly this period is emotional roller coaster hahahahha but also hunty im supposed to be getting beauty sleep my face is gonna be recorded

+==edit==+
04.00am

Hello how come my fav ndp song also I cannot bear to hear dear brain pls learn to disassociate

+==edit==+
05.14am

I just want to understand why im not sleepy right now it's not like I hibernated recently ive been very morning bird waking up consistently at or before 10am
Maybe too much things on my mind
Maybe my body clock is shifting again (probably this)
I had mini hopes that since I didnt nap today that I would fall asleep easily but alas
Oh wells
Tried to paint my nails but I gave up after 2 fingers cause lazy haha also I dont really like doing it so

+==edit==+
11.03am

Ok im doing ok managed to fall asleep around 6 and woke up at 9
May our affairs today be eased I dont care it's in our hands mediocrity shall not be accepted

+==edit==+
13.16pm

Unfortunate circumstance but insyaallah for the better!
Today's plans are postponed heh
Also I used to love the radio cause somehow music that suits my situation, or one that I needed to hear will always play
Hahaha clown

+==edit==+
13.23pm

Also I totally forgot I had morning class
Wtheckie haha
Technically I still have 7 mins of it
Oh wells

+==edit==+
17.19pm

Dang I took a nap (it has been so many days since) and got bad dreams about breakups so maybe thats why my body didnt allow naps oof shouldve known
Okay no more

+==edit==+
19.43pm

Why do I keep craving cheeseburger from mcd
Why

+==edit==+
21.21pm

It hurts to suddenly be unwanted
Ugh ok one step at a time i'll be ok

+==edit==+
22.02pm

Cant seem to distract myself from this sadness
Dang it
I will be ok for a few minutes and then go back to feeling heavy
What to do what to do I just want distraction for now because i'll deal with my emotions later I just dont want to cry thats all
Oh well. Tank the pain hopefully I dont have a long hard night ahead and hope tomorrow will be a better day
How is it only 10pm

+==edit==+
22.07pm

What the I forgot that I had class AGAIN
7-9pm
Wtheck whats wrong with my brain obviously it's not present
No wonder im so sad where is my brain come back
Ya allah I need extra strength and sanity idk what else to do except seek your guidance and company

09.48am

Good morning
I guess I havent been blogging properly cause blogging makes me think and for now I just dont want to think
Had a beautiful day im so thankful for family
Last Sunday with mama's side and last night with papa's side
Although both days were supposed to be an extra happy occassion, I cant help but feel a little dreary inside cause both my families expected someone else to come with me and both times when they ask where he is I just laugh and make excuses lol :')
It has only been a week but it felt like forever
God has replaced my loss with a great one
Insyaallah all will be well
I am a happy, blessed person and it's ok if I feel sad once in a while
I hope he's doing okay. He probably is.

+==edit==+
16.27pm

Back to feeling sadish this whole day
What a waste of a good day
But ugh
I feel like I want to cry but I dont want to not right now
Why must this be harder than it should be ugh
Im so down it's ridiculous
Bleagh. Get me out of this rut pls

+==edit==+
22.16pm

:(
Still dont like songs i have made peace over the days but haish

+==edit==+
23.45pm

Kept typing "today has been rough" but noone to send it to so dear blog, my companion for the past almost 12 years, you'll be hearing me groan and moan whats new
Today has indeed been rough, and ive been up since 9am without napping so it was a long day
Please may tomorrow be better
I put my life in your hands entirely ya allah

05.22am

Love me an F1 driver that was super fast (he slowed down on one stretch of road but besides that- glorious) I got from school to home in 19 minutes

04.38am

I have not been a good blogger but
Wait idek the days loll im sure i missed today
Went to the beach and then impromptu cat and hmx therapy also uncles catchup session
Okay sleppy

12.26pm

Feeling a lot better as of this moment
Isit a year older more wiser
Hahaha
But im thankful i know bad days might come again so im embracing the now
I dont even feel the need to reach out and ask anyone for company im perfectly happy being alone at home
Two things on my to do list today-
Reply all messages
Catch up on schoolwork (not compulsory for today but would be nice ahahhaha discipline who)
Okie may you all have a blessed day ahead

My birthday! (01.35am)

Happy birthday to me!
Im always excited for my birthday but at the same time I always dont want it to arrive too fast cause the leadup to the birthday is most exciting like "i can do this cus my birthday coming etc"
Definitely feeling sleepyish but um
There's always that hidden gem who you dont always see persistent in your life but they'll come thru when you dont expect it (mayra im looking at u)
Had a pleasant birthday eve i napped and didnt do work

+==edit==+
10.31am

Humans are weird (and dumb internally idk how else do describe this)
Im getting so much love, most ive gotten all year and I still feel this void within me
Im genuinely ok i thought i'll be weaker than this but I guess when being strong is your only choice you surprise yourself
I want to properly absorb the love everyone is giving me
Also update: i still cant listen to music (except chopstick sushi man homeowner hahaha)
Hey I have teo be patient with myself
But grab rides are hard cus i cant escape the radio lol
Haish nerd
Am continuing to pray for strength

+==edit==+
13.35pm

# to always count my blessings

+==edit==+
22.10pm

Oh no am in tears reading all the birthday messages
Alhamdulillah for everyone you put in my life ya Allah.
Protect and bless them always!

+==edit==+
23.59pm

Happy birthday to me.
Happier days, and success ahead insyaallah!

04.34am

Been some days since im awake at this timing ive been falling asleep accidentally
Just here to express how everyone has been so nice to me today I just. I cant comprehend but I truly appreciate and needed their kindness.
All praises to Him for sending such souls in my life.
Everyone who talked to me or texted me today have all been amazing I cant even.
All I can do is pray that their kindness is returned tenfold, and do the same for them

+==edit==+
12.01pm

I hate hearing songs
Walked to the kitchen to hear kb94 on the radio and I hate that lyrics have to be so sad
Eww
Give me a bREAK pls
Also the weather is so gloomy-
Same.

But also I really shouldnt complain
Live in the present and in this present I have to get ready for a family gathering
Remember how tough it was during circuit breaker when we couldnt see each other and take this as a blessing
I hope there's babies there?
If not I have to find my own entertainment i just dont want to be alone with my thoughts no time for emo

+==edit==+
15.26pm

Did I mention I hate hearing songs
Cause I do
(I know i mentioned it already this is just a spiteful complain)

+==edit==+
21.49pm

Why do I feel extra lonely right now
Honestly dk who I can talk to but also why the heck am I thinking that way when I dont even usually talk to people
Literally, My loneliness is killing me.
Ok drama
Like I just wanna sleep cause I dont want to feel but I cant even fall asleep
Oh please help me get over this torture soon

+==edit==+
22.29pm

Ok I know I should be at peace with things and my brain knows that
Im just giving my heart space to grieve thats all
I had a really lovely and blessed day but it was not easy pretending to be completely happy
It was hard to put in effort to smile and laugh and talk
It was hard to deflect questions and desperately finding distractions

10.16am

Most days in a row i've been missing but it was for a valid reason
I had a terrible past few days (last night was beautiful though, bittersweet but mostly relief)
But I just wanted to come and laud how Allah gave me relief so consistently, and i'm so thankful he gave me the capacity to comprehend that whatever random thing that happens are all in his power.
I've met the friendliest strangers the past 2 days (neighbours, grab/taxi drivers, random passersby) and it reminded me that there always will be good in the world.
I may not be able to live my days having the same spring in my step and constant joy deep within my heart- at least for the time being- but i'll always get reminders that i'm cared for and loved.
My heart is shattered but I will be okay. We will be ok.
I have to be grateful for what happened and be excited for what happens next.
Heartbreak is the worst feeling and I would never wish that upon my worst enemy.
But i'm thankful that being put in this situation, god is not leaving me without help, support, and constant reminders.
I have officially loved and lost, but I dont see it as a loss at all.
It was an honour being cared for the way I had been for the past 6 months, and it has been the greatest joy being able to make someone feel loved.
I hate writing this out or telling people because it means it's real, but in order for my heart to move on I cant afford to keep harbouring so much hope.
It has always been my fear that I lose someone when i'm/we're still very much in love and care for each other, and that's exactly what happened
Part of me is screaming at me asking why im making this so complicated- ive always been a person who does things that makes me happy without thinking so much, but I forgot that not everyone has the same way of thinking.
I wished we chose happiness.
But i'm sure we'll find it along the way.
Ive heard both very hurtful and nice things the past few days, and i'll only hold on to the nice.
Alhamdulillah for life, the good and bad.
Allah I put my heart in your hands, give me healing and strength. I put my trust in you fully that you know what's best for us.
And Allah keep him safe and happy, please.

+==edit==+
11.17am

Chiqa is honestly the best
Idk if she knows that im upset but she came into the room and gave me snacks and she just fed me rendang
I cry

+==edit==+
12.10pm

Currently feeling so so sad.
But I dont want to cry.

+==edit==+
15.53pm

Tell me why im listening to jojo siwa songs right now
Hahhaa

+==edit==+
16.03pm

Sometimes im not even thinking anything but when everything is quiet, like right now, all I am able to feel is this emptiness and sense of loss.
And then I just sob.
No reason why, just the heavy feeling.
Also writing really helps let it out also forces me to deal with my thoughts so I cant feel so much
Ok bye

14.37pm

Being on campus for the first time for actual school is crazy
So many humans so little space
Everything is cordoned and the shortcuts we once had are now long cuts
Help
Be safe everyone

16.33pm

Ive been a human
Slept before 2am I believe and had breakfast and sat in a 3 hour philosophy seminar
What a fruitful feeling morning
Then had a chill afternoon before going back to work later after early dinner
Im not complaining

15.33pm

Put on my earpiece to listen to class but
I fell asleep most of the time
Should I drop that class
Hahahaha jk hais

+==edit==+
19.15pm

Currently in a business lecture and I cant deal with singapore style teaching
Read; foonspeeding
Philo classes have pampered me with the major lack of unnecessaries
My profs be like: yall know it yall can check urself ask me if anything but all is there
Which makes more sense??? We r in unI???
ALSO totally my style
I wanna learn content please move on soon thkZ kind prof

Also im not being complainer ok it's just a preference and seemigly an outdated thing to do but i also get how some learners would need this
Ok bye

04.57am

Shouting wont make you more comprehendable.

+==edit==+
10.46am

The past few days no matter what time I sleep i'll wake up at 10
And I dont nap within the day
Definitely feel more tired like a nap would help but my body has no interest in falling asleep which is GooD
Just had breakfast huhu

+==edit==+
12.46pm

Dang the inability to nap is real
I will keep almost falling asleep and being like yEs finally!! and my brain says Sike u are awake as awake as can be

+==edit==+
16.27pm

How can people prefer being uncomfortably cold than hot
Cold is painful
Once it hits ur bones u cant do anything but wait for it to feel better on its own
Anyway thankful that our weather in sg does not reach extremes

20.57pm

First time taking the train after phase 2 started?
I dont even know if it is hahahaa or maybe 2nd idk but definitely first time alone
The mask helps in my desp(actio)ication of people being able to see your face
But like.
The crowd is still meh
Actually if there's one place I support masks being compulsory it's INSIDE THE TRAIN!!!
Yay im a mystery

ps totally spelt despacito wrong but i like it

05.25am

Got almpst exactly 5 hours of sleep (I typed 12 instead wow anyhow)
Havent felt this tired in so long but I guess tiredness is a blessing cause without it we'd take rests for granted
Also how problematic that we'd rather tank the pain than speak the mind just because of respect

+==edit==+
10.06am

Theoretically I have had more than enough rest
So tell me why im still snuggling (what the weirdest word to use ew hahaha)
Ok i blame the rain

04.05am

I had a literal full night's sleep and woke up at midnight
Beautiful
But my cells need recuperation so I should probably nap a bit more
Just watched the Truman show
The number of thoughts that is in the inside of my cranium's protection right now man
Needa hold on to the thoughts till later
Huhu
I ate (legitish) mexican food for the first time (maybe) for lunch!
Grabfooded and saved almost 50% from the current deals lol
I got soft shelled tacos
And I must say it was pleasant but not like so amazing I will buy again
Instead it made me think to eat it again but by making it myself muehehe
However I must mention it was meat free chilli con carne which was so cool
I felt healthy for no reason hahaha
Fake meat tastes and feel like meat
Im so proud of the vegan community for this invention (hahaha anyhow idek who created it thanks scientists or random grandma at home)
Ok

+==edit==+
10.15am

Ate half a bag of chips for breakfast cause I couldnt decide what to eat
Maybe I should go to a shop and buy hotdogs and bread and stuff idek

+==edit==+
20.56pm

Im exhausted in more ways than one
Perhaps the no sleep is messing with me big time

04.01am

I survived first day of school
And do you know that universities are overrated
Ultimately it's a mindless machine producing not much content
The staff are also paid to do not much
Im sure there are the sincere ones who are passionate for their jobs and puts their hearts and soul and life into it
But what I hate seeing are those who does duty without heart
What good are you?

+==edit==+
08.32am

Okay I have a class in an hour and it's strictly physical
I think my prof yesterday pampered us with (reasonable) options so today's lesson feels very forced hahaha
I really dont feel like going all the way just to be bored out of my mind and not absorbing anything and in a MASK!!!
Jellybird
How
Do I skip it altogether I think thats highly likely just cause I just did my readings and my brain is rejecting content
Whatmore if it comes from the prof (who is very nice, btw, from past experience!!! Just you know some people's voice are too soothing u are lulled)
But now im already awake so it feels like a waste to not go
I wont be surprised if I ended up going honestly hahaha I already feel my body urging me to go get ready now
Lolll

+==edit==+
08.38am

Just saying, I am indeed in the shower right now
Dk whether to say Alhamdulillah for this internal push cause ive never felt it powerful enough to actually move me
Meh fine no regrets imma eat breakfast to wake myself up after this

+==edit==+
09.51am

I got ready
I ate breakfast packed my bag and was gonna book grab
So why am I still blogging

+==edit==+
09.58am

Okokok so right after I booked a grab I realise it's not worth it so I cancelled
930 (10 at most) or not at all man
So im just gonna go chill with my coffee maybe not change back into my pjs in case I wanna go out anyways

08.47am

Up until 2 minutes ago I was still deciding whether to head to school
But then my Leave home alarm rang
So I guess it's home based learning today huhu
Read half the notes before realising that I prefer listening to the lecture first then refer to the notes if necessary so I stopped lol
Now I have to stay awake or take a nappity nap
Also can I just say as an almost daily youtube user, im hating the new youtube
Hate is an understatement
Im just perplexed as to why they see the need to change what has been working so well
Gross and idk how my fav youtubers are still tolerating the new policies
Honestly just waiting for another non-youtube youtube platform to emerge
One that doesnt bug me to buy premium and doesnt ban comments for family friendly contents
Sucha shame bois and gals

22.40pm

Basically hibernated today again
But it's ok cause school starts in 12 hours
Still deciding whether to do it online or go to school
Maybe first lesson online would be good but i'd feel bad if nobody is in class or like only 2 people are there
Dang it

Happy national day! (10.32am)

It's a mircale
Not even a minute after I woke up the siren sounded
Hahaha yay my body making sure I wasnt rudely awakened by it

+==edit==+
12.48pm

Had half cup of hot coffee for breakfast and then added ice to it to pair with lunch
It always tastes better when someone else makes it for you huhu thanks momma
I got a solid 4 hours of sleep last night which was a pleasant surprise
I just hope it doesnt increase by 2 more hours so soon cause school is starting and I have 3 morning classes in a week
But also my prof (at least 1 of them) is making in person attendance not compulsory
So yay (yay cus i hate missing class but i also hate travelling to school so the option of a livestream is the beST of both worlds!!!)
I can philosophy in the peace of my home or wherever I want to go on that day muehehe
Okay bye

+==edit==+
13.59pm

Do u know what app I weirdly (ok not really) miss using?
It's the piano app
Hahahaha i miss rehearsals

09.55am

Have been effectively having 2 hour sleeps from 7-9am or 5-7am and it's great
Except if when school starts my body stops doing this I would be asdhsisjol
But for now im embracing it
It's national day eve!
I love national day

+==edit==+
13.06pm

It is pretty silly to go to school just for one lesson a day in this situation
Before this i'd do that cause I know afterwards would be hmx time
But ive always dreaded going to school if there were no hmx prospects in sight
This sem though im ok but like
Cant lectures just be online for everyone's safety
I dont mind going to school cause excuse to go out but stillll
Not important kot
Idk why im saying this
I feel nappy
Perhaps soon for another 2 hours idk
I should lunch but im still full from breakfast
Have been eating on time in attempt to make my circadian rhythm sync with the sunrise and sunset hahahahah but not working but eh
K bye

10.07am

Actually got some sleep like between 4-7am

+==edit==+
13.28pm

Genuinely miss being with hmx doing nonsense everyday
But also I just drank surprise liho that appeared in my fridge
Also I planned to buy 2 tights because I want but they were on offer so now I have 3
And I feel so powerful
I feel like I can wear anything

+==edit==+
19.50pm

Fell asleep at idk what time and woke up thinking it's 6am imagine my shock to see the time
I feel not great
Bleargh

10.34am

The worst kind of hurt is in defending another
Unable to say anything but only being able to tank it in silence
Might break down but can never reveal the reasons why
You cant lead with hostility and expect me to reciprocate with warmth

+==edit==+
18.47pm

The thought of school starting in 4 days is slightly disturbing
I love my free time
But ok fine learning is good too

08.10am

Hmmm hmmmm hmmmmmmmmm i am awake i am awake i havent slept i am awake

+==edit==+
11.52am

I have not sung for myself in months
Spent the last half hour singing and it feels nice to belt and scream and realise how simultaneously better and worse i sound
Better cause lack of formal rehearsal mean i revert to my natural tendencies and tone
Worse cause... idk i kinda forgot how i sound so i cant gauge
And now my throat hurts cause girl cant be bothered with healthy singing who is she again
Had breakfast with iced milo earlier today
Doesnt feel like I havent slept it feels like I have woken up after a good night's rest
To be fair I did have a lovely night making an impromptu hmx video with the help of fairy assistant
Okie what to do todayyyyy

+==edit==+
23.54pm

Slept the whole day away but im being kind to myself especially since school is starting soon
I got the most AUs I have gotten in years so that is excellent news alhamdulillah
I just miss the relief of having my weds nights occupied thats all
But safety first

19.48pm

I havent watched HSM in so long
No wonder my life feels incomplete
Gotta do it soon bet on it before i walk away (al)together this is not fabulous

23.39pm

Would do this more often, honest

10.17am

You know i'll always have phases where I genuinely want to pursue wrestling
But I always manage to psych myself out
Random but hahahah maybe one day i'll be more decisive

+==edit==+
14.53pm

I am thankful everyday that we live in a country where law is so enforced I feel safe cause everyone around me is wearing a mask and they HAVE to and we dont have to deal with idiots like elsewhere (at least in public, crowded places)
Look at all of us playing our part awww friendships
Hahahha ew
Also I finally liked some shoes enough to buy them
And I finally got heeeels since charles and keith hasnt been serving my taste the past year
Can we believe school is starting soon im both ew nooo my holidaysss and oh okay yay learning
Im blogging cause im waiting for people to choose perfume
I wanna nap soon okay I havent slept yet

+==edit==+
22.19pm

Kay got to sleep and hour... then two... then 3 so good
The cut on my lip had healed the past few days (felt like completely) but suddenly this morning it hurt again while I was eating breakfast so my sudden craving to eat stuffd burrito is gonna have to wait

Merry august (20.20pm)

May this be a month filled with blessings, purity and happiness insyaallah!
Spent the start of the month hibernating
Why