04.41am

Life is the weirdest thing ever
Beauty and darkness has the same meaning
Pain and pleasure has the same source
But this is no time to be deep
Later this afternoon 2 more fellow evokals are convocating
Can we believe more than half of (like 6/11 of us?) Evokals members have graduated??
My first harmofam, I would go to school to meet them though I skipped classes cause it was so much fun to make music and spend time together

00.49am

Oof I am tempted to cut my bangs again but I am wise and I know I should let it grow out
Finally meeting somemonix later hais I initiated it but idk what im doing also hahahahahah
The few upcoming weeks before school starts is simultaneously busy and chill at the same time
Can't even submit work schedule cause of this fact but then again once school starts and my life is slightly timetabled I can start again (if nothing weird crops up- such as having to memorise emergency codes)

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03.48am

Im glad (?) my body is readjusting to its old ways

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09.13am

I stan a well rested being
Also had a 3d dream which sounds weird in theory but it was someone's graduation idk who then as I was about to move on to the next storyline/getting ready to regain consciousness I took a last look to my left and a tiny blonde toddler girl just walked into my dream and she is so cute!!!!!
After getting shocked over her cuteness (and blessed that I thought to check before "leaving") yeah I regained consciousness and woke up
Cool cool

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15.26pm

I guess my 'worries' (not exactly worries but more like... guesses, thoughts, idk) are real
In order to progress you'll have to sacrifice some feel-goods
But some people won't get the temporary loss and decide to leave before seeing it through
May those who stay be able to reap what is sown
May those who stay be of greater value

09.31am

Think people forget they can refresh their moments every time they have to
After the feelings have sunk in and embraced, mindset can be refreshed
Idk why im saying this I should rest

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15.03pm

Why am I feeling reflective today perhaps it's the simultaneous lack of and too much rest
I feel like what my grandma said yesterday- when she doesnt work she feels so tired but when she does, all is great
Was gonna say how people with soft hearts can be annoying sometimes (i.e when they lack compassion for themselves, or they have too much compassion for the wrong people) because they're easily blinded and lose their rationality
But shoutout to the softies out there, yall are valid and important for society
Just love yourself more ok
Bye
I miss hmx

01.24am

AGAIN ahhahaha
Also had the weirdest dream wew

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03.39am

Meeting eatgo in about 7 hours
Also I feel terrible cause every single time MCS has an outing I have plans prior
Where is our fate together hello
I miss abg mok and the rest

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04.50am

Things on my brain, especially since this convocation period is so close to what would've been mine
My relationship with academics is the weirdest thing ever, even I don't understand it
The worst part is i've had affliation to all the mods i've taken, I ace them and enjoy (most of) them
But I will do things like not submit final essays (50% who), skipping class totally cause I can't stand classmates who talks for the sake of participation grades
And when I resign to like 'Ugh just passing is fine'- it doesn't sit right
Something in me still wants to achieve and idk how i'm going to do it, idk how strong this drive is and idk what future me is going to do about it
Times when I feel contented, my fellows would come to me to ask me to proofread their essays- their essays when they know very well I dont even attend classes as much as they do nor do I write essays (ok fine I write them, I just dont submit them lol why dont ask me)
And idk it's like thanks for trusting my skills but also shows how much i'm wasting my own capabilities
The only issue is I will never be driven by any goals
If I like it i'll do it, and I don't see the issue because things will work out eventually and it has, time and again
This is barely complacency nor is it selfishness, more like blind faith
And yes you might think "then why not take control and achieve what you can now"
Which is a geniune consideration but I have no answers
Right now i'm between extending semesters and learning as much as I can (curse you GERPEs I dont care about you), or graduating on time without unlocking my full potential and move on to grander things, leaving university another half assed project
Either way I have myself and that's what matters most
I have an army of humans supporting my every move and if I can't be driven to do things for them- ok fine I will
Heart of the matter is uni life isn't as expected- education is still largely a memorize-and-you-shall-score agenda (even in Philosophy sometimes and that is the most disappointing thing ever)
Most of these people getting degrees don't even deserve them in the sense that they will not add real value to society (which is basically what the degree helps with- putting you in privileged places where you have the power to help but you probably wont cause different priorities)
If I were not one of the lucky ones getting a university education, I would want those who gets it, i.e my future leaders to be people I can count on
Educated, compassionate and cultured people who has actual working brains and logic
Being inside the system just flaunts more flaws of our education system and i'm sick of it (have been for a long while now)
It's 5am and as a person who takes one day at a time, forward thinking often falls flat
But it doesn't mean I won't continue dreaming and (probably) working- despite being part of such a flawed system I do not respect
Just, if you're ever upset about not being in uni, don't be
Not much valuable learning is going on here that you can't get elsewhere

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08.57am

Takes a special kind of talent to push people away
You're good I guess, but at what cost?
Ah nevermind

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20.21pm

Had (having, really) a lovely, lovely day filled with loved ones
Happy blessed birthday nenek!
May you be blessed with health, wealth, and all the love and happiness in the world ♡
(ele just reminded me august is soon wTH I THOUGHT MY HOLIDAYS ARE STILL LONG)

Also someone asked if we titled the concert Remembrance in lieu of our tribute song
That wasnt the case, but im glad it could be intepreted that way ;')
Ok no emotions now

02.40am

WHY AM I AWAKE

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06.32am

Ok now that im wiser I realise my sleep cycle probably ended at that time hahaha
Whereas now im forced to wake up bleh
Still find convocations an unnecessary event
Traditions should die sometimes especially if it doesnt benefit much
Use the money for something else bruhs
Losers

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18.24pm

Home and tired
Today made me feel things
How dare keichi graduate and leave us behind but also he can never leave hmx so heheh
I shall rest before doing more work
Heading to school again tomorrow for another round of socializing

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21.52pm

My body is adamant on waking me up every 90 minutes girl this is why im tired hahaha but fine if that's how you want to work

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23.00pm

So ironically im both not well rested but also I rested too much that im too tired to fall asleep
How do I deal with this
If I fall asleep now I will wake up at what, 3am?
But also I cant imagine falling asleep now cause wtheck uh let me just try

11.53am

Played in the rain this morning with hidsters and I feel rejuvenated
Should nap before rehearsal but im not sleepy but also I dont feel like leaving home again
But eh rehearsal so hahaha
Still havent gotten over concert enough to start contacting humans but also like once I start contacting one I feel obliged to contact all
Had a lovely day reuniting with somemonix lol feels so long since we met (it has been 2 days wew)
Ok I have to leave home in an hour do I still nap
Also I usually dont get fever from playing in the rain so I hope today is the same

ps sometimes you find out things about someone which just changes your WHOLE perspective of them and... idek man

pps i was gonna say how i lost track of days and i checked calendar and i have a gig tomorrow what eVEN

+==edit==+
23.32pm

Somehow survived today but also cause jing yong entertain (bounce off, really) ice cream needs so hahaha
Though I was cyberbullied by the gans (i will draw goats on your faces when u sleep) it was a chill evening yay
Calltime at 830am tomorrow
830 at NTU is as good as telling me "feel free to come 4 hours late" because thank you
People I KNOW and care about are graduating.
This is NOT OK

03.30am

How could a person be so kind and heartless at the same time?
More confusing than intriguing though
Meeting somemonix today for beach day I am happy

00.13am

Just rewatched I look to you and I just couldnt stop crying wew
It was so beyond heartening to (ugh jing yong's mum just said it was heart wrenching- yes exactly) see my babies having each other's back like I didn't feel alone on stage feeling vulnerable
This means a lot
Im surprised im ready to rewatch it so early
But no idea when the tears will stop lol
Also I still havent eaten what great self care I have (to be fair I dont feel hungry yet but I know I have to eat cause I am responsible)
Ok bye

+==edit==+
06.14am

Make this mistake every event but the exhaustion and dread is real- procrastinating every messages
Having a lot of vivid dreams but cant seem to remember much
What else is my thoughts muddled with????
Need a beach day asap

+==edit==+
22.24pm

Maybe that's just it
Some of us are put into the world to be caretakers
I shouldnt take offence at the lack of care
It's different that's all
None of us are worth more than the other

06.56am

Havent felt this good about a show in a while
Alhamdulillah, all praises to Him!
All went well.
Idk what we did to deserve the people who helped us- Elephant, Jem, Fathi, the SRT crew,  Nab, Zah, Riana, Jing wen, Ben, Mdm Siti, EARL
Idk.
But without them Remembrance wouldnt have been made possible
Idk how else to feel
I shall rest (meeting north pole in 7 hours wew feels so long since) (litrally just now)
As of right now, I have extremely mixed feelings
Proud, Confused, Overjoyed, Bittersweet
Idk
All good things I guess
Ok once again, I should rest first

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12.25pm

Wew woke up before my alarm also what is this lack of hibernation I feel like I have so much to do
Deal with emotions, media sorting (MY PHONE MEMORY IS CRYING), thank you messages, post concert responsibilities, back.to.school.stuff.... etc
But I wanna take time riding the high of this

+==edit==+
22.43pm

Ended up hibernating the whole day
I feel so bad to eatgo but i'll make it up to her hais
Cant tell if I finally need food or more hmx hehehehe jk but really rehearsals will resume again within the next 2 days yay

03.00am

Sadly, I can't afford to sleep and it's 5.5 hours to calltime
I am a great hahaha I feel like I can push through and then crash after concert but ehh I probably still won't (it was like post muara and anjung adat)
Quite a few things to settle before leaving home in 4 hours!!!!
Bismillah, I can only do this with Your will and guidance insyaallah

+==edit==+
06.33am

Ah my alarm has rung
Mostly done with things, just left with refining!
Look at me being more productive in 3 hours than I was in 3 months (lol jk, it's cause I decided to take matters into my own hands)
Point is most is done alhamdulillah
Now just to trust all goes well
And idk what kind of person doesnt sleep before their CONCERT
Honestly my throat hasnt gone back to 100% and my only worry is the last song
I want to do it justice
For once
Shall start getting ready soon heheh

01.02am

Noo I wanted my 11-3am sleep so I can do work
But I was too engrossed with photo editing
TomORROW IS CONCERT

01.29am

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15.54pm

Just got home, that was almost 24 hours in school wot m8
Supposed to leave home again now to be in school AGAIN
Not sleepy but I do have a lot to do hahaha how

05.51am

I guess being a master procrastinator is a good thing
Stuck with 17 things to do some willingly some wasnt volunteered but in 3 days i'll miss this hustle
Had a lovely evening today, full run ran late and I forgot people are very new to performing and I should both not make it daunting but also wake them up and make them realise what a big deal productions are
Ok, I wanted to work but I shall take it one step at a time bismillah.
May every challenge be a sturdy step forward insyaallah

+==edit==+
12.05pm

Woke up tired wew who allowed me
Im just ready to be in school so I can just not move much but sChool iS sO fAR

05.14am

Feels like a long time since a late rehearsal
Every group has a weird dynamic hahah
But also I feel no pain in my head and my fever is slowly diminishing which is great but also I don't feel 100% yet and I hope I will by Saturday
4 days to concert and like I said, i've never been this unprepared yet excited because of the amount of risk taking we're doing
It's crazy omg
If anyone can pull through it's us

00.34am

Got home feeling worse than ever so I fell asleep mid transferring the photos and u know what chiqa did she touched my head and ran to the kitchen, wet some cloth and put it on me and did this multiple times
And she also helped me pack my things so I don't mess it up
Now my temp is slightly down
She is the best ♡

03.41am

The fam's KOed after the JB trip which I should too but my body doesnt know the L word (it's Limit)
So many things to recharge and update within the next 12 hours including my body lol
Feels like im just in a delirious state and im just waiting to crash if I do but if not then i'll be not 100% till when concert rolls around I dont want that pls dear self heal at your own time but also im sorry im not taking extra measures to accelerate the process I have things to do

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08.18am

Why body clock
Why

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12.31pm

Did I mention I yoloed and went to the salon again lol cause ele wanted to perm her hair but she wanted to do it with me so I just rebonded wth who am I
Happy though lol soft hair for days weeks months
Also I woke up exhausted but also excited to meet khali for her pre-wedding shoot
Aka i've never done a couple shoot before so this will be new hahahais
Also an excuse to visit punggol/coney cause why else would I travel 7 months there
Rehearsals afterwards and I can hear my internal system screaming for me to stop and rest but also dont worry im trying to nego for me to rest at night instead

+==edit==+
14.42pm

I WOKE UP WITH FEVER AGAIN
Who allowed me
To be fair it's my fault for the lack of self care
It's like the first time I got sick I didn't let myself fully heal before jumping into the next thing and now it's hitting me
Smart boi
K bye

03.21am

Just taking a short blogging break before continuing ticketing stuff
This is not my job hahahaha but I do like organizing so this isn't painful
I just need to split time between these admin things and production things
Alhamdulillah today our affairs were eased, I just have to keep putting my trust in Him
Excited for later!
I should sleep but you know once you start doing work you can't stop

Also I feel like my voice hasn't recovered since the JB trip pre-champs and now while my throat doesn't hurt, my voice feels so muffled like I can't project whatsoever and it sounds tired and progressively through one song I can hear my volume decreasing hahaha
Note to self to rest well
Have a lovely weekend

+==edit==+
09.20am

There is unease when there is a lack of balance within one's self
Go against your body some more
I can feel myself pushed to limits but obligations and general want to do things

+==edit==+
18.24pm

Currently in JB and I think I might be sicker than I think I am
(Besides the obvious self muting system im experiencing while singing)
I cant taste spice lol????
Kk but I got no time to chill so bye

03.26am

Concert planning in full force which is weird cause it's barely a week to concert I should be focusing on execution and performance but alas
I feel like a lot of things had to go wrong for us to be this left behind
But again, we're troopers and we will do this well
People will never understand and I don't need them to
We're doing a lot of risk taking and we're getting through each hiccups one by one and it is a promising journey ahead
Bismillah for the rest of the journey!
I will only be able to do it with Your guidance Ya Allah.

Had a fun day today actually
Went thrift shop hopping for props, visited the concert venue again and had voices photoshoot and rehearsal
Aka we had so much fun putting on costume makeup and finishing the arrangement and choreo in 2 minutes
Looking forward for the full run later!
Another long day of morning to nights but I feel more motivated than ever!
Just that concert ending next week means I would be HMX stress deprived for a few weeks booo.

ps oh oh i feel almost 100% now alhamdulillah!!!!

03.43am

Not sure if sickness continues cause I eat 1 meal a day or I eat one meal a day cause sick
Either way, great self care mate

03.43am

Not sure if sickness continues cause I eat 1 meal a day or I eat one meal a day cause sick
Either way, great self care mate

00.57am

Felt betterish after a nap
Concert in 10 days
So over champs
Just three points i'll probably elaborate once im home

Also difflam is changing my life in which I no longer have to worry i'd vomit in buses and trains cause I cant even feel my throat
Thank you jing yong and justine

01.20am

Me when I see humans as I walk home at this timing: yall dk how to sleep isit
Me when I don't see humans: where is everyone the night is still young
Lol

01.39am

Managed to not go out today, which is great cause this next few weeks is gonna be crazy like the past few has been
Work in 8 hours aka why do I always do things to myself
And then rehearsal for concert
12 days to concert
Why does it feel so not concerty
Champs took up so much of us that concert is left aside
But 12 days is a lot of days
Bismillah for this journey
I trust us

+==edit==+
16.20pm

Omg.
Taking a break from walking cause of how awfully nauseous I feel
Asked to leave work slightly earlier cause most of the time my head was spinning and eyes heavy and brain not there and trying not to throw up
Dont even know why lol lozer
Dreading the bus or mrt ride to school
How dare elephant think I was lying to escape work
I aM iN pAiN
Ok time to walk again let's not be a weak loser what would cena think

ps happy that I somehow managed to push through the last half hour actually making new kid friends and actually felt sad leaving earlier cause they were so sweet and multilingual I am proud

20.15pm

Annabelle comes home was so weird cause it had a promising premise and settings but it was basically nonsense with all the different kinds of ghosts
What the heck bro hahahha
But im still happy I finally watched it

02.11am

I was hoping it was a bit not 2am but hehe here we are
Would probably have another short nap before leaving home but wew woke up to hmx spam

+==edit==+
03.52am

Having breakfast at this time is like telling myself dont go back to sleep
But also hahahah what a healthy lifestyle i stan myself muchas
K back to gossip girl

+==edit==+
14.18pm

Some events it's harder to believe everything happens for a reason
Coincidences are easier to account for
This should feel empowering, heartwarming and bittersweet, but i'm struggling to convert the pain into inspiration.
I was listening to our second champs song via earpiece to catch feels, and right as the song ended the team on stage started singing Take me home
I can't.
We bawled.
Wherever you are, may Allah bless your soul.

Thank you for being here in whatever way possible

+==edit==+
23.35pm

Extreme mixed emotions
Coincidentally I misplaced my lipstick's cap
I feel like it-
So vulnerable and loserish
But also still capable of beauty and greatness
I'll be amazing
I always am
Insyaallah He strengthens my heart
Also hujan rahmat
Wallowing in these thoughts and emotions is really not fun but I need to feel it all at once before moving on to more important things
I'll be ok!

04.48am

We have failed to catch the last bus 3 times now hahaha but ehh
Done with our last rehearsal for champs 2019- after this concert hustling begins
Am encouraged by my fellow babies' spirits
We can do this!
(might be watching annabelle later im an excited)

+==edit==+
06.03am

My body clock has been excellent the past week
3 houred sleeps quite consistently, and then a short nap right after I check my messages
Lol it works
Not sure about today since i'm resisting the body clock but huhu

+==edit==+
22.55pm

Bruh my guess is right, I resist myself just a bit and I ended up tired lol so cool
As of right now I have a headache and my throat hurts which is weird cause I have felt excellent the past 2 days at least
So like who are these and why are you here
But also hopefully all will be cured overnight
Feel like getting my 11-3am sleep but we'll see-
I was just gonna say how I will pack when I wake up but Mau texted to ask us to pack so we don't rush tomorrow morning hahahaha what a frog
Where was I
Oh yes we'll see if I am able to fall asleep
Third year in champs, the feeling the day before remains the same

05.20am

Hi I just had my 2nd meal of Wednesday
Here two days before champs to do a pre-champs reflection and hoping noone doing champs sees it
It's not easy to reconcile different feelings towards the next few days but I wholeheartedly believe a bit of mindset change in everyone would help propel us in a positive way forward
Whatever concerns and doubt they shared that they felt, have run through my mind
I wished they understood how much I relate but I just entirely got over them and refuse to acknowledge things that won't help our morale
Not saying it's easy to get over emotions but like I learnt from barbie (spy squad? not sure omg fake fan) you see it, then be it
Once we see the good, we'll work towards the good and eventually the universe has no choice but to give us the good
Also there are too many factors beyond our control, it's a waste of effort to worry so much
The judges might have a personal vendetta against one of the songs, they might be tired, they might be impressed with a team's awkward choreographies,
Idk so much so much.

Personally I find it amazing and amusing how many things have "gone wrong" (inverted commas cause that's what they refer it to- I dont see it that way lol)- falling while showcasing, dropping microphones, stepping on each other, having the full team only for 4 hours (if we're lucky), having to cover a half hour gig though we could've used the time to practice
But they did amazing taking it all in their stride
This attitude is heartwarming and reminds us all of the real reason we're part of hmx
12 hours before the gig we started learning a new song and it turned out to be so fun

The gig went well, alhamdulillah
It is fun, the audience seemed to get our energy and i've never had that much fun jamming on stage for a gig

Bismillah for later, aka the last rehearsal before champs on Saturday
Insyaallah, our pure intentions will be conveyed.
I hope my babies rest well and ehhehe im excited and very positive

+==edit==+
15.34pm

What i've noticed is despite the shortcomings as a group, our personal affairs has been eased in their own ways
Noone ever deserves his mercy but we get them anyway
Alhamdulillah!

05.57am

I should sleep
Have a gig before rehearsal tonight

+==edit==+
09.44am

Good lookin out

Merry July (04.21am)

Feeling like I don't deserve to give myself anything but positivity
Which is amazing
No matter the weird, the hurdles, I choose to be kind and positive so that I shall be
4 days to champs ayy

+==edit==+
04.30am

Also I think I was using my voice when it wasnt fully recovered, now it hurts again and GUESS WHAT THE TRIGGER IS.
Mere humans dont believe me because they are wrong but I drank almost a bottle of water at work and immediately my throat started hurting again
Sadly now when we should be doing intense rehearsals I have to vocal break but it's ok I trust us
Insyaallah i'll heal on time

+==edit==+
09.38am

Look at my body clock waking me up early good job

02.27am

Guess it'd be interesting to look back and see how similar my days are this champs period
I've been called to work on a Monday again after weeks of hiatus
It was rayaing with hmx on a Sunday again though this year was at Daya's
Finished shopping for champs outfit before that
So needless to say i'm working in 7 hours time and then headed to school for champs QC
Champs (I say this word too much) is in 5 days time!
Alright goodnight heheh