Literally told myself in the afternoon to blog before midnight but alas got caught up watching Insidious!!!
It's been so long since I watched it
Long day of rehearsal tomorrow so why am I awake
Gotta be up in 6 hours yayayaa
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04.19am
I miss MCS???
So creatively stimulating also always having an audience is fun
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21.52pm
In my happy place, HMX WEDNESDAYS!!!!
:')
Since my higatv phase was halted I havent been binge watching (by binge watching I mean those 3 mins snippets they post on fb hahha) any youtubers outside my usuals but im finding myself watching GMM a lot hahaha
I need mood to watch them and usually I get tired but I think ive been watching for 3 (?) days now which is a lot wew
Thanks for entertaining
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03.29am
I thought I slept for 2 hours but it was only 1 lol
Well rested though
Fake news
Long day ahead and quite a bit on my to do list
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07.25am
Failing to go back to sleep and my alarm is gonna ring in 2 hours so should I nap or breakfast
Also I both want to dress up and wear PJs today and I want to do green eyeshadow and also not wear makeup today
Hahaha
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10.11am
Alarm rang right as I fell asleep
Also it is so not #blessed when I wake up to the loser music ele BLASTS when she's getting ready for school
It's always the same song and it's an annoying song idk Stuck with you Stuck with you
Make it stop thanks
Currently having rehearsearl
We sounding so nice I love it
Also drinking iced coffee
And it is cold and cosy
And there's cats around and a lot of pillows
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05.43am
Late night out after so long
Always feel happy after rehearsearls heh thankful ;')
Also I have been consciously (or not, who knows) ok wait let me say the story properly
Usually (aka always) when tokti (aka siti nurhaliza) releases a new single i'll be the first to go listen
But her new song (and ive seen posts everywhere it IS DOING SO WELL like one of her most trending recent songs) I havent listened and everytime I come across the video or the title im like "Why have I not heard this especially since it's so popular currently"
Today scrolled through my ig and 2 of my followings posted a cover of them singing it
The lyrics are rude guys
Like misha omar's recent single I blogged about
And some more with tokti's voice
I will definitely CRY so good that my subconscious self is protecting me hahaha
Anyways I cant wait till I stop emotionally relating to songs cause it sounds like a nice song to sing I mean everyone's making a cover of it so
Hais.
But again, always happy after rehearsearls so im riding on the highhhh
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06.35am
Ahaha ok got the answer to my sudden back tummy leg pains this past week my period just came
I knew im not weak huhu
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19.58pm
What a sleepy and cold Sunday
Rehearsals resume tomorrow yay
This feeling is expensive
The feeling of submitting something I have internally given up on
It was trash but this is already an improvement usually even if I do well but incomplete I wont submit
But I do have the mindset anything is better than zero but also I feel bad for the prof but also my ego as a philosopher disallows me to submit half assed essay
But whatever this once can hahaha
Also managed to force my fam to entertain me with 4 hours of family game night we played bingo and monopoly deal
Im great at both, there were loads of snacks and screaming involved
Who needs mind cafe
Hahahah jk i love it but overpriced hais
Stayed up to do work but no cells in my body wants to do work
I guess I know kinda the reason why but we'll get over it soon enough so
Help me my internal willpower.
Cause my conscious self dont have much right now
Im not present
Ok fine i've been in and out one minute im dandy and happy and light and another minute im engulfed in downness
This instability is not normal but it is okay
I will get through this a much better being
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11.41am
Wow that was 4 hours of sleep also essay due in 12 hours am i gonna pull through stay tuned
Ive been hungry for hours but I have not much willpower to get up
Hahah drama
Will probably make some food soon I only had breakfast
It has been such a long day but of me hibernating
May the day be filled with joy and laughter
Slept well cause of how tired I was
But woken up way before my alarm made me even tireder so what was the point
May today go well bismillah
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09.10am
It's freezing cold mygosh
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09.26am
Yooo for real the morning air is freezing how cold is it!!! I must stand in the sun soon
Im wearing like 3.5 layers (overalls but didnt wear it up)
But watching ballinger family's vlog is making this wait less painful
My only hope is I dont get a fever but also I wont cause I decide I wont
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17.10pm
Ooof I crashed for almost 7 hours after getting home
Havent slept that deeply in so long but
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21.08pm
I think trying to sleep now and then waking up at between 3-4am if im lucky (it'd probably be midnight lets be real) will ensure that i'll make it for my 930 class so.. goodnight world
Attempt 1
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23.34pm
Woke up like twice but went back to sleep
Surprise she actually slept albeit for barely 2 hours
Even then she woke up like 3 times I think this is the third and you know sometimes I wanna hydrate myself but I dont like water so I put an ice cube (haha jk cubes are for peasants my ice is in a fish and floral shape) in my mouth
It's water
My eyes are definitely still heavy but meh i'll watch videos and will probably fall right back asleep
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05.51am
Having trouble falling back asleep aish
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03.58am
Harbouring and giving out positive energy to the universe!!!
Also what is a girl doing at 4am watching birth vlogs of course but I always watch the same old ones cause they bring me joy
Also my primary school friends are becoming parents this is not weird at all
Also ended up having a lovely evening, went to buy a bag which is sequins and it has a peach hello kitty on it and 3d ears and unicorn horn wait dont @ me I bought it cause the sequins are purple and blue aka my fav colour combination of all time it's too pretty also i will vandalise the bag by replacing the peach with purple
Then went to meet family friends aka the adults were having serious talk at one table and on another table I was teaching ele my part for can you feel the love tonight hahahaha so fun also the food was good portion was perfect for us to share lol
K bye back to vlog watching also the more vlogs I watch the more I want to vlog more yes correct
Also I hope my jing yong feels better soon she is not allowed
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08.45am
Aiyaiyai this 6-9am sleep schedule is questionable
My eyes
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09.00am
Wow @ misha omar dropping a relatable self wrote single thks i hate it
(she's amazing. just too real)
Someone in the comment said lyrics too simple, whereas I feel directly attacked
I'll think about that the next time
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11.01am
Tried to go back to sleep but I feel so uncomfortable I gave up and went to make breakfast
With my legs and back aching for no reason I feel like a pregnant woman omygosh
It's not even period season so I cant blame that
I blame me sleeping on a giant unicorn for my backache but this leg pain came from NOWHERE i disagree i cant even walk properly i cant even cross my legs what is going on
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14.45pm
You can tell im alone at home by the number of times im blogging hahaha
Managed to take a nap and woke up with my pains (im positively saying this but not 100% true) gone!
So isit lack of rest hahah
Also yes I did yeet the giant unicorn away it cant sleep with me anymore no matter how fluffy and it is
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23.45pm
Spent the first half of the day trying not to be sad but managed to spend the last 3 hours nice wow my english
Khali cena and fam dropped by to drop chiqa off so I got to see them
North pole is planning a reunion
And went to visit family friend and got good food cooked by hoMeowner
I totally forgot I have assignments due
Last week flew by hahaha k time to get back on track
Mixed feelinged
Had a lovely evening, impromptu vivo which is always fun and then reunited with family friends we havent seen in so long
But it was for an ugly reason
But also it woke me up as to how sometimes there are moments where we will drown in our emotions and sorrow but there will always be a lifeline in prayers
I will be here as much as I can and I will educate myself as much as I can about the legal system in singapore
I just want to protect the rights of the right and ensure they are taken care of mentally too
I cant bear seeing women losing more than just marriage, especially after having given more than half their lives to it
Bismillah, Allah ease your affairs.
I'll learn alongside all of you.
On the bright side it was filled with nostalgic laughter plus laughing at how chiqa and their children were so tiny the last time we saw them and now they're both bigger than me!!!
Here's to better days ahead!
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09.32am
Noo idea what time I fell asleep (between 5-7am?) but why am I awake at 9am on a saturday hahaha
I miss baby ayden and izzul and izzah
Hope to see them soonest
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15.08pm
Tried reading on tangible ways to move on and hahaha im not ready
Ok to be fair the article said it'll take most people 3 months to feel stronger and it's not even been a month yet
It's both not as hard as we think and extremely hard at the same time but idek why
The human in me who just moves based on emotions and desires is very confused as to why this is harder than it should be
I also dont need to explain myself, I rarely do so anyways cause humans dont understand me hahaha losers
K bye I am alone at home I dont want to be sad
Just watched kung fu panda 2 and had an interesting insight on another's mind
Sometimes being harsh works, but most times it won't
Definitely wont work on me cause all I see is inability to maturely process and react to things
People with the same mindset though would ironically see me as the immature one
But nah, humans are beyond logic and strength
We are heartbeats and aura, connected to the universe
The entire universe exists within and among us
It's unwise to forget that
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05.47am
Random thought but the most humbling thing is when I ask for prayers from others or when they just do it out of their kind hearts like even a statement like "God bless" means a lot and it's just more than I can ever want
Like you know you do something and someone wants to "repay" your deeds and you're like Nah just pray for me
Sounds simple but actually most meaningful gift to receive cause we wont know whose prayers will be accepted hehe
Honestly I can choose who I want to keep in life and so far ive had the privilege of getting great people and that wont change
(@me being fake deep cus I MISSED A DAY)
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02.09am
I saw a youtube video with the title "The selfish scholar" and my brain went "ooh what kind of fish is a selfish"
Nice going
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04.08am
Suddenly thought of the time hidaya's daughter aka meeko ate chicken from my fork hehehe
Rewatching videos from that night we reunited after circuit breaker and laughing too hard
(not quoting our own originals or anything)
It was a lovely night??? We had pasta and li ho and brownies (with ice cream but that came late) and in the company of 3 cAts and aunty ferry
Hehe ♡
A morning class later, and then having my first hmx group meetup today, followed by a long overdue music video recording (pls work out oof also it's sad that im the only one actually excited to create something good we can be proud of lol but it's ok I can be happy alone) and then a test in the evening
Packed day ahead so I should be sleeping but we all know that is not a thing also I slept a lot today cause of the rainy weather heh lazy Sunday (i type this as I am confused what day it is)
I cant wait to play with makeup thats all hahahaha
Chiqa bought me new makeup for my birthday so im excited to try it hehehe
Here's to a good productive day ahead
Also I havent finished reading lecture 5 I think it will be tested tonight so im gonna continue reading it probably in a while since iM NOt sleepY but im currently revising my notes instead and I mean musical notes not my schoolwork notes I realise I cant remember the all girls group alto part so it's kinda learning from scratch but luckily it's half melody oohoho but also im revising notes for the video recording I think im ok so okay actually I think I can rest soon idk i feel like drinking coffee it's cold but i also want to rest my eyes but also stay awake who knows
Lovely blogging
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10.18am
Took some time falling asleep but yay im awake for class
But also this was totally optional I couldve slept in a bit more to get more rest but I can rest later so
I was gonna use some fishballs in my fridge then I read the expiration date and went "Oh no it's so expired"
Expiration date is October 2020
Napped for the first time in a long time (actually planned to sleep early like 8pm-1am or something but I got awakened by chiqa at 9pm cause she had presents for me hehehe)
So precious this little bean I love her
I guess nights are harder
Just feels extra lonely
But whatever
Cant wait to be happier and I know it's a choice but still
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01.44am
Managed to disturb some people and I dont feel as lonely anymore
Also sudden craving (ok not sudden im watching a vlog of bailey as annie hahah) to perform
Dang I havent been a good sleeper at all but I kinda know why it's just thoughts in my mind and lack of peace but also body clock shifting again I guess
Which is bad cause i'll wake up ridiculously early (like i'd fall asleep at 5am and wake up at 6 and 9am) so my reflex is "i havent slept enough i need more" and then i'll go back to sleep until noon
Not nice I want my morning bird self back but i CANT EVEN FALL ASLEEP like im not even sleepy
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09.08am
Oh yea, ofcourse the day I dont have a 930 class I wake up earlier
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13.47pm
Also went for a family dinner last night and in the toilet there was a sign that says "Do not wear mask if you are well" omYgosh cant believe there was a time our govt discouraged masks
And also why does that coffeeshop still have that poster ok lets be real noone reads it only mehahaha
Nuu I have class in 6 hours why cant I sleep
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22.38pm
Yea she missed class again
Idk what time I fell asleep but I woke up at 9.35am omycheese
Mixed feelinged currently but whatever tomorrow will be grander
Body clock come thru?
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13.37pm
Honestly business mod emphasizes the fact that business culture is gross the unnecessary formalities I cant even I hate it
Managed to chiong and submit my tutorial at the last minute so im relieved about that
But now I need to attend a zoom session with video so that is very mafan
Very first world problem but still
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20.22pm
I survived, it was boring but I survived
Also I have never in my uni life (even though I always thought of it ive never done it) started on assignments early
I actually was so on track with my submissions that I have FREE TIME to start on my future submissions (litrally next one in 2 weeks)
This is quite fun actually
Hahaha ok bye
Also question of the day: will i finally wake up enough to go to my 9.30 class?
We'll see
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20.43pm
Also I have developed this weird habit of calling people Mr and Sir which is a direct result of watching ballinger family but it's weird cus ive been watching them for so long but why only now do I do this
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23.15pm
So sis heard tokti on the radio and she thought she could sing along
Immediate tears
Hahahaha bad idea
But also hey ive been good
Mainly because im still friends with him and I guess we do enjoy each other as humans
Also it just dawned upon me that not being married at 24 is quite beyond what young me would have imagined
When people say they'd get married at 23-25 years old I was like "whattt thats quite late"
And here I am a child who cannot imagine herself as a wife
Oh well, life journey is interesting
But also not too late if possible cause I cant imagine giving birth at 38 (even though mama gave birth to chiqa at 40 and it's totally fine but still)
Hahahaha ok why am I saying this
Morning class tomorrow also suddenly got family dinner but HMX starts tomorrow but it's online so I have a major dilemma
Mmm i'll just be rude and zoom at dinner huhuhu
Good morning
Ive been consistently waking up early but usually I feel well rested and ready to start the day no matter what time I slept but past few days I woke up tiredish
But here's to a good productive day!
Wanna cover my business work so I dont have to do much over the weekend
Blessed morning!
I am up early from a sad dream about breakup again thks I hate it but also dreams are dreams they replay your brain's latest activities back to you in deformed ways so
I see Allah's blessing everywhere
I give so little and get back so much which in turn makes me even more humbled and grateful
Insyaallah endless cycle of good
Had a lovely past two days in school meeting with somemonix
Even watched david blaine float on balloons live making me almost miss my last bus but got a blessing in disguise cause driver was heading to town so I got a ride back home from school for 6$ :')
God bless
Woke up with even more rezeki being blessed upon me
Alhamdulillah
May I always find it in me to give
So early bird me today will be a beautiful day inshaallah
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14.23pm
Shed a few tears today after so long
No idea why but again, going easy on myself
I put my heart in Allah's hand
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16.58pm
Yesterday I felt sad for awhile cause I was with two groups of people who made me feel (dramatic word ahead but cant think of another so) unwanted?
Like both were like You can join me if you want and I know they mean well but it feels like you know whether I was there or not made no difference to either party
I was so close to just going home cause if I had to make a choice i'd rather choose nothing
Does it sound bratty probably but at that point of time I was just like Wtheckkk if u dont want me here just say so (even though it is irrational but girl is emotional okay her hormones are out of her control also so valid reason) so I dont feel like im being accomodated for
I used to know my place but now I have nothing again so I need to regain my own footing
I'll be ok even if alone
Also I want this sad phase to go away idk how much more of it I can take
Ok my period just came
That explains my extra sadness and inability to sleep the past two days
Now I feel at ease knowing my uncontrollable hormones is onto it and not just my brain and heart I am a rational optimist okay
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14.30pm
Me: purposely looks cute so I wont CRY if not i'll ruin my makeup
Hehehehe it has worked so far
I love it
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20.45pm
I cant do music still though.
Help
Ok I know it's not midnight yet but I wanted to start afresh
Also is it september??? Idk days
I did it I reached out to people
And it's not like I needed to put extra effort these were the people who proved they'll be here for me since we've known each other basically
Keeping myself busy wont help but I also hope I dont go on another crying spree cause my eyes cannot take it, my heart cannot take it too
Better days ahead.
Also to future me youve spent the past two long sad days binging on the ballinger family, colleen, rachel and rosana pansino, freaking miranda sings even
Honestly no other videos could keep my attention long enough before I start feeling sad again but these people somehow got me through the long nights
I guess people underestimate vlogging they think it's useless and weird even but it has kept me sane and even made me smile at times when people cant so
Thank you(tubers)
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12.29pm
May I always remember to put my faith first in everything
Dont worry im not sad to the point of loss of faith I hope that will never happen if it's within my power i'll make sure it never does happen
This is placed sadness ok insyaallah i'll always confide in god first
And he has indeed answered my prayers by sending me such great people around me
My heart may take time but I know he'll keep me equipped