Today I was a mess (01.39am)

And people aren't kind.
I don't particularly need help or support I just dont need humans to add unnecessary troubles
As of right now I honestly dont know who to confide in except myself (ok my best second is great khali hello if youre reading this I miss you and desperately want to see you soon)
Like everything i'm telling people are being passed on and it's disturbing because I don't know who I can trust anymore

And I haven't been a good friend to anyone, never had and not sure when I will
So it is very unrealistic that i'm upset over people I thought were my close friends finding another source of comfort
Like I downgraded from a place to rant to a place to update about the outcome of their rants.

This is definitely my emotions speaking but as of right now this is what i'm feeling.
And this will go away soon enough and i'll go back to thinking i'm doing enough when i'm not.
There's always more we could do.
Just don't abandon me without saying a word like either quicken the process so it hurts less or talk to me about it.

What are your brains (00.50am)

Dropping hints and saying "Oh nothing" is NOT keeping a secret
You are all adults, if you are not mature just act like you are
For once.

God is the best planner (01.23am)

Went to watch Muara right after the tahlil, because ele was performing.
Throwback a month ago when everyone was asking me to perform for muara especially since it was an item I danced for Anjung adat (our biannual concert in Feb this year)
At that time I just used "im busy" as an excuse, and it wasnt like I was not busy but I totally could have made time if I wanted to.
On saturday kak nurul asked me "why couldnt you commit to muara, busy eh?" and I think I was taken aback cause like was I really that busy (a normal thought for a time-maker like i'll always want to make time for everything) before responding "Yeah"
Fast forward to today and I realised I was being held back for a reason.
I would not have been able to bid him goodbye with the rest of harmonix, giving and feeding off each others' strengths and vulnerability.
Alhamdulillah it all went well.
Once again, I pray for strength.
His family, grandma and relatives, friends who are all hurting in their own ways.
May he be placed among the righteous and may we all continue living on, passing on the light he has brought to our lives.
Insyaallah.

+==edit==+
22.18pm

Was getting ready to sleep but I realised it's only 10
Oh well

What do you think a friendship is? (22.41pm)

Or at least what does it mean to you?
Like I dont need need security but like how can I gauge or trust how much I can share or care
I just want humans to have only good intentions and wants for each other.
Just be honest and stop being disgusting

I dont feel like socializing and blearghly, I saw like 3 million people I know

Is this necessary (23.34pm)

Today our hearts broke over a shocking news.
We always talked about whose wedding will be first, who will have the first babies, but we never thought of who would be the first to pass on.
I hate that we got the answer today.
Ya Allah, give us all strength to go through this moment.
Verily from you we come from and to you we return.
I pray for strength and patience for his family most of all.
May he be placed among the righteous.
I'm happy he got to see the club he loves grow, and that he got to do things he wanted to.
He's proud of us and we'll continue making him proud insyaallah.
And I wouldnt be here typing if not for the overpouring love between each harmonix members.
I love them so much words cannot describe and tonight typing and reading those three words always make me tear up again because tonight it just feels so real.
We will get through this together ♡

I thought I was better (22.33pm)

Today I realised i'm patient but not when it comes to a specific thing.
It's when I see children doing messed up things and realising we cannot really blame anyone but their parents, but parents are also sometimes not the cause.
Idk I just dont want to talk about it for now, it gets disheartening and idk what to feel.

+==edit==+
23.47pm

Most importantly, Happy 10 years of High school musical 3
I remember the exact day we went to watch it
Primary 6, right after Battle of the bands where my class sang This is me from Camp rock, I was singing with Rabia with Chelsea on the keyboard
We were in a black and white theme and we called ourselves Acespearz
Went to causeway point with the randomest people and I was so happy I think everyone there combined was still not as happy as I was HAHAHA
And then I watched it again with STYLO, at Yishun where the parents watched a horror movie while the 5 of us just shimmied to the HSM 3
I love it
Ok bye

Falsehood of security (01.44am)

In those brief moments, a touch, a laugh, an eye contact, it feels like it could all possibly go back to normal
But eh. Im lazy to think sorry hahahahah

+==edit==+
07.05am

Actually woke up for morning class for the 2nd time ever but now I don't feel like going- simply on the basis of how gross my to-do list looks as of now
Thankfully class ends at 3.30, im gonna spend like an hour trying to strike most of it off and then crash

+==edit==+
17.22pm

Actually did most of the things I needed to
When I typed the above I didnt think i'd actually do it hahaha but here I am
Ok I might be hungry soon and I want coffee

The contrast lol (00.49am)

No idea why my posts have been down because I have had an amazing few days hahah
I'd blog about it soon, I need my laptop back I misplaced my charger and now im unproductive (ok who are we kidding im unproductive with and without it
Today at work I was tasked to draw a giant pumpkin on the window
I am so happy it is so cute it needs a name
A man walked past while I was sketching it out and he nodded and showed me a thumbs up and im like Thank you good person
Hopefully it makes more people smile too, cause it makes me smile lol it really is cute

Surprisingly, lessons this year are dreadable, except for the one I fail to attend.
Like Tuesday morning was supposed to be fun hip hop but come on, morning.
Good boost for my day though I always end up tired like the first 2 weeks it made me too tired to pay attention in Chinese philo
But I have been getting used to it I guess, Chinese philo is nice cause it's an introverted, small pool of humans who just wants to sit and think together- as opposed to the interactive outgoing hiphop where everyone is all gung ho and excited to move
My two moods in a span of 7 hours
Ehh, may the rest of the sem go well.
It's going too fast harmonix-wise but just nice academic wise.
Hahahahaha bias
Ok I dont feel like sleeping but it's probably a good idea

+==edit==+
02.35am

Can does not imply ought
Just like even though I can fulfil my want to not sleep, I do not ought to.
Pcfhshaakndhxzmo

It will always feel weird (06.16am)

Drifting apart from someone is always weird.
Everyday it seems like nothing has changed but one day you just get hit that "Wait when did this happen"
And it is so hard to find the exact time and place it began to happen
It sucks that people cannot reciprocate what you are willing to give, but noone owes anyone a living and this just means that if they don't choose to do the same; they're probably not even worth it anyway.
And we can't complain about our prayers coming true.
At least that we want to be protected from harm and get closer to good.
You're just no good probably.

Eventful days (00.28am)

Currently bowling, exact opposite of the last time I was here.
I wonder wHY is it the lane the ball the calibration or my mindset or my hand
Who knows

+==edit==+
04.19am

Settled down home, I should be tired but im awake hm come to me sleep

WHAT. AM. I (03.37am)

Meeting harmonix in like... 4 hours
Also it's gonna be a long (but hopefully fun) day so I will hibernate on Sunday instead

What is up (00.23am)

Just realised I havent eaten the whole day
I guess when in emotional and psychological hibernation mode you dont think about your physical needs
What am I talking about hahahaha

I need to watch Smackdown 1000

+==edit==+
01.16

Also what the actual hillybilly I leave hmx for one night and monstrosity happened
Idk whether to be proud or embarassed

+==edit==+
03.00am

Me; ignores all messages
Me; replies to 168 conversations at one shot

Im not a bad texter just a selective one hahaha
But I am a bad sleeper as in I shouldve been sleeping at least 2 hours ago I have work in 6 hours what a komodo dragob

Just this recurring mood (01.16am)

Im home, im ok but I just dont want to reply messages humans are troublesome sometimes hahahaha
I had a cold spell earlier today which was so scary and uncomfortable I was in a dark room on the floor at the corner trying to find warmth then I tried going out to suntan but the breeze was cooling so I went back in
I felt better after getting hot coffee, and singing and also crab la the love from val and chloe was just :')♡
Contemplating not going to school tomorrow,  I should just stay home and rest (ok by rest I mean celebrate chiqa's birthday cause my baby is 9 I CANNOT BELIEVE IT but alhamdulillah she is growing well I love her so much words cannot say)

Also people treating you like an option hurts,
But like I dont have the energy to walk away
(plays walk away in the background and tears)
HA jk yall not worth it the only reason I care is because I thought we were friends
Pssht obviously not
Friends dont talk behind backs.

+==edit==+
18.31pm

Well this week two people told me I lost weight
But I have been in a major snacking mode
And by snacking I mean consuming chocolates
I have been bitten by an elf probably
Not that im complaining chocolate is great

Also I feel like Marley in Glee when the glee club made fun of the lunchlady not knowing it was her mum and she was like "i thought you guys were different"
Same.
Hahahaahaha.

Humans are losers (19.58pm)

Dk what is happening right now
But I still have my brunchinner
I just want fried food and chocolate literally considering walking to a vending machine to buy chocolate or snacks
Hmm

Self why (02.36am)

Feeling delirious but mostly pure procrastination actually no is it procrastinating if you dont even know what's on your plate anymore hahahaha it's called ignoring
Bleh
I'll get workin soon also why am I awake
May today be smooth and fun!
Work and then choreographing a dance item for an event in december

Joined Mosaic for rehearsal today cause i'm filling in for andrie, my dreams of singing Words came true hahahahais but how do I tell people that I don't... follow what the score writes that much hahahah but eh when you're in an amazing and accurate group like this you gotta work to fit in
Headed to eat brunchinner at mama friend's placs and then went to harbourfront centre to derp around and I got ice cream yay
Somehow bought some reallyyy cute accessories idk why I did that lolrandom
Also contemplated sleeping there cause I have to be there again in 6 hours
Ok I wanna rest but I also wanna continue learning songs and at the same time not do anything
What am I
Ok bye

+==edit==+
19.42pm

Ah survived today well
Finally cancelling things from my to-do list
Also earlier today was jamais vu, like something familiar felt so foreign
Gross
The weather this afternoon was sooo lovely and I finally got to bring kids out for activities
Taught some kids dance and now supposed to have an online meeting but noone is there psht I lynch all of you

+==edit==+
23.34pm

Deadass fell asleep while waiting for everyone to be online for an online meeting, and dinner
All I remember is mama tried to feed me chips and that was the last recorded movement from me
Hahhahaa ok psht bye

What is this disgust (03.05am)

Currently stranded in bugis cause grab is at HIGH demand and hitch is gone and I have 3 places to go to
This monopoly is getting disgusting SUE THEM RIGHTFULLY

+==edit==+
04.29am

Finally home
It was easy for us central humans cause cabs are still gaugeable but poor fathi is a sembawang person so amidst 40$ grabs and midnight charges, he has to wait for the surge to go down
Highkey elephant's fault loser I told them to book while it was at 24 dollars but she kept refreshing and boom
Had a lovely fulfilling day
Also I feel betrayed by myself
While I was at the coffeeshop I was so tired like I wanted to go home and crash
But now im home...
Frick the babas IDK WHO TIRED IS.

+==edit==+
21.09pm

Currently being forced to eat at harbourfront
All I wanted was icecream but I have been provided with more food
Slowly internalizing

+==edit==+
22.38pm

Maybe the art of letting go is subtler than we fear
Like a wise man once proposed,
Some things probably end with a whimper, not a bang.
Am I giving you space or reason?
You decide.

+==edit==+

Left home at 8.30am to meet chloe in town for macs breakfast, before we caught the 10am venom movie
Whereby I learnt that Venom needs a new personality cause he's acting like me
Stop
Also we were tempted to go on the stage and just sit and stare at the audience while the movie was ongoing
Why didnt we do that
Went to SMU to rehearse and then we left at almost 6pm
My battery was dying and the sockets werent working but then..... the bus I took had charging ports
Bless
Went to Geylang to meet the fams before we went karaoke and bowling where I WAS STRIPPED OFF MY 200 POINTS
Was gonna spare my last shot (I was at 181) but shammy lopez that loser physically distracted me and pft
But whatever my angst was replaced by my lack of humility (hahahahah dabs ironically ew kidds)
We then went to bugis for supper and ended up as you saw stranded till like 5am
Good good day, thanks again to keichi's sister for the movie tickets makes me wanna watch more morning movies heh

New light, old shadows (02.46am)

I tried sleeping twice but eh no avail
Gotta be up in like 4.5 hours for the most lolrandom plan
Also have the whole day to respond and send emails, and learn 2 songs
Hehere's to a great day ahead!

Hmph (02.42am)

I should sleep
Work in 7 hours ish and then forced socialisation till night
Also looking at my schedule, the things I have and want to do are not exactly aligned, and it's probably the source of why it feels unfulfilling despite doing so much
But i'll slowly get through the have tos and begin on my want tos
Including making people I love more of a constant in my life rather than a few catch ups
Including self-growth amidst wanting to make other people grow
Sometimes we gotta focus on one thing at a time, but sometimes that's not gonna cut it
Just whatever ok do what you do best even if everyone says "noo thats so risky and inefficient and not feasible"
UnFeAsIbLe please beg mY pardon
Im not a peasant like you who thinks youre a realist when all youre being is a pessimist
Obviously not a good one since you cant even admit that fact
Also this is directed to noone my thumbs are just typing stuff
Im not even feeling anything hahahaha tis the pre-sleep neutrality

Had a lazy day at home, I have an essay due later today but it's untouched thus far should I just not socialise at night loljk im not a quitter
Went down to the social service centre last night, supposedly to teach some kids dance but I just used the time to get to know them
Here goes my free days in a week
Dont mention that F word
Hahaha jk it's all good

What is this post
May it be a smooth day ahead!

+==edit==+
21.29pm

I guess renaming my blog is a good thing since it remains my place to rant
And it just reminded me that peace is power.
I can choose however I react and ultimately my own happiness and sorrow is in my hands
And it would be really dumb for me to not choose peace.
Honestly the fact that I have deadline tonight is giving me an excuse for alone time and im thankful for that
Here's to finishing the essay, trooping like I always do

Cool cool (15.02pm)

I was watching the Aquaman trailer and was like "now this is something I could watch" then I realised it's DC and James wan.
See how one good franchise can build your name so solid
(Also im kidding i just spite marvel fans who hates on dc why cant u like things from both yall losers)
But Jason momoa reminds me of roman reigns bleagh
Skipped class today cause honestly it's a waste of time
I should do my essay and then harmonixponsibilities and then lepak and have a great friday
Sounds good k bai hehah

+==edit==+
21.40pm

U calling me back?
My wrestling trainer just reappeared in my life out of nowhere, a boy i met earlier today for a dance class was wearing a reyrey shirt,
AND REYREY IS COMING BACK?!?!

wot is this am i supposed to yes i totally am

Oh wow wait (02.44am)

Ok I thought I forgot to blog but I realised mobile blogger doesn't sync (AND ALLOW ME TO POST PHOTOS PFFTZ)
Had a lovely day, right after saying how I can't pay attention, I suddenly got engaged and had so much fun I wanted class to extend but alas it didnt hahaha
Rehearsed with botols, we be sounding better each time
Im slowly managing my to do list, slow and steady
I should sleep but im watching a movie (which elephant left playing on her laptop so when I switched it on it was 21 mins in and I just continued watching it and it turned out to be quite fun hahaha
Ok imma rest my brain

Who am I gonna call (14.56pm)

Currently in Chinese philosophy class, sleepy and tired from hip-hop and i'm facing my looming deadlines hahahah

As usual, we just gotta take this one step at a time.

I want to find food and then rehearse

And then rest because idk why i'm sleepy I woke up fine bruh

I don't think I was ever fully awake and conscious during Chinese philo lessons hahaha even during my presentation I was not alert.

Ok just 25 hours to go (that feels so long but i'll survive ehehe)

Here's to a lovely calm day ahead!

ps wow i totally typed 25 i meant 2.5 hours

I missed this (02.15am)

Sometimes in the midst of chaos you seek comfort
And that's probably why I subconsciously (or not lol who knows) ended up laughing at dnp at 2am
Freaking phil "it clings on to my head... like a... friendly friend"
Idek why im laughing why is he so precious
Ok working later, here's to a great day ahead!

Had a day of rehearsal where I embraced the weirdness of a baritone (the notes not a person)
Had dinner and talking about everything (also they got my order wrong but right- I wanted to choose it initially and even got chloe to randomly choose for me and the choices matched but then I last minute changed my mind- but the food turned out being so niceee bless)
(So many buts hahaha)
Headed back to smu to complete my essay aka a fully bullcrapped essay cause the keywords were not even googleable
Cool cool
K wanna go back to dnping byezzxz

Fluttering thoughts (05.32am)

Didn't sleep, probably not the best thing to do since I have rehearsals later and an essay to complete
(I say an because my planner told me one was overdue and the other is due next week and one more was due in a month time so hahahaha im glad)
Had totally wanted to go for WWE's super showdown in melbourne, but eh it's ok not meant to be for now
I need to find my focal point again
Prioritize the things worth my time and the things I actually want to do
May the road to attaining our goals be smooth and may we always remember to give back.

Also I was highkey emotional during the A cappella festival just now cause like Yay the Singapore A cappella scene and NTU HARMONIX IS PART OF IT
I am beyond proud, Demonix did so well (so did our new famember Naddy and the vybes)
But crappp we gotta give it up to the golden bois Juz believe.
They rocked the crowd and entertained us well.
Thanks for setting a goal for us to work towards
You ready, club?
I am so ready.
Muehehahaha time 4 torture

I mean (06.10am)

Woke up at like 5
Hahaha que pasa
Also yesterday's post was angst but at that moment (and 5ever la basically) it was the most unnecessary thing ever
Found out I had an assignment due yesterday 8 mins before deadline
Ntulearn wouldnt cooperate and im not one to try harder
Hahahahahaha dont @ me
I had a lovely few days, I attribute it to the lovely weather that accompanied it too

Yesterday was cool cause we had children's day celebration at my workplace, so I was taking care of the bouncy castle
There was a special needs child and I so wished I knew how to interact with her more
All I could do was give her loads of high fives and jam with her (the odd childrens' songs in the playlist what The elephant on the bus all I am disturbed also a childs' voice saying "He's so handsome" as the opening for Twinkle twinkle little star WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO)
She looked like she was having fun though I truly hope so

Also luckily I was asked to work- there was gonna be 2 closing staffs la crazy hahahaha
As usual everyone always comes at the last hour
Ok it's 6.19am
I shall lepak as much as I can before starting on assignments and then going to support my demonix for their gig later ♡

+==edit==+
12.56pm

It raining
After a few blissful sunny days the rain is here to feed the trees
Ok what am I saying
Just here to say that I think my blogging habits reflects me in real life,
I share everything and nothing at the same time
Maybe one day these two parts will reconcile but for now i'm happy with the distinction.
Perhaps it's for the best that noone understands me fully,
I'm a creature that is not meant to be known hahahahaha (i laugh in a non-joking manner)
Is this selfish or is arguably considerate
Who Am I even
K whatever back to not defining the self

Also why am I like this I hate using the word Busy cause I love making time for everything but my schedule is undeniably packed but still I love to fit as many things as I can in a day but people have sleeping time which is so annoying hahahah jk
But things always work out in the end so...
Eh.

UGh (22.26pm)

I'd say im a pretty tolerant being
But just now I was happily rocking to my HSM walking home breathing in the fresh air
And a man walked in front of me and his freaking cigarette smoke invaded my personal space I WANT TO PUNCH HIS FACE
I used to be Eh whatever smoke all you want youre harming yourself
But this freakster just VIOLATED my clean air
Id probably be chill again after this but ugh just go away yall live in your own bubbles pls

+==edit==+

Wow that angst hahhaa im rarely spiralling but eh it was extra annoying cause I WAS JAMMING TO HSM
Noone interrupts my hsm sessions, accidentally or not I give no forgiveness.

Happy children's day (11.34am)

Lowkey wished I didnt choose to work today, considering the piling assignments
But eh making some new kid friends is always a fun thing
Just trying hard to drag myself out of bed
Have been here for an hour
Also I had a vivid weird set of dreams after so long of not sleeping properly hahahah
My alarm kept interrupting but somehow the dream resumes but when it came to the best part, I woke up for good
Aish
What new
Ok im not early hahaha I should bounce
May we all have a fantabulous day ahead

+==edit==+
23.20pm

Can we believe I agreed to another 8 hours of work tomorrow because I can't
Also so lazy to respond to messages too many strangers/acquaintances are texting me and im like uhhh gimme time to not respond por favor
Ok bye hahais

Hahaha (03.08am)

Me 6 mins ago: i should sleep
Me: sleeps for 2 mins
Me: ok done

This is unacceptable I need to socialise with 3 different groups of people from my school I cant even

What to do first (23.10pm)

I have loads to do but I don't feel overwhelmed, just excited on which to tackle first
Back from botol's rehearsal, bummer that we've never been full attendance after the first session
Long day tomorrow, but Harmonix is part of the agenda so it ok.
Hahaha ;')

Merry october (02.09am)

Whaaaat I didnt blog meh where got
Sleepy
Gotta be up early tomorrow but contemplating bailing cause my grangers want to do work but I know I won't be productive so like... why
It'd be nice to see them though.
But yes i'll decide when I wake up
Had a lovely crazy day haahah