13.33pm

How in the world did High school musical produce 3 legendary movies with ALL GREAT songs

No other musicals have 100% quality of songs

Like even camp rock I could put Start the party below 100% u know

And Wicked can miss me with sentimental man 

But HSM man,

What a dang masterpiece

10.28am

Something to be said about energy

About how I only ever need my keys when I forget to bring it 

How noone asks me for tissues, or plasters, when I have it in my bag but the one day I choose to not bring them, they do

How when I decide to bring a cute mini umbrella in my bag, it never rains, but when I realise it's actually a little heavy and I take it out, I somehow don't see a shelter during the downpour

It's how when I accidentally sleep with my phone on silent and someone keeps spam calling and I just fell asleep 2 hours ago but somehow something jolts me awake

And also when you have to wake a friend up but you just know their phone is on silent but you continue spamming them because you don't know their families' numbers, and somehow, they just wake up

16.14pm

Me: starts to edit a video for 2 minutes

Me: wait what time is it already isit 2am

Hahahah lol 

18.51pm

Reminder to always do the nice thing when you have a choice 

01.37am (2.37am SGT)

My alarm is ringing in 2.5 hours so should I even sleep

This bed is too cozy 

07.19am

In true Me fashion I couldnt sleep last night even though I should be crashed due to exhaustion 

Currently in the airport and there's something about taking a flight by yourself that's peaceful because you don't need to follow anyone's flow and timing

A few news this trip, but also a last minute worktrip to end the year of worktrips

Bismillah for the next few days 

08.32am

Just saw a helper sending a small child to probably playgroup or nursery and she looks genuinely happy interacting with the equally happy kid

First of all wow nice to be a morning bird 

But most of all,

May good people always meet and be surrounded by other good people 

00.37am

Dangit early calltime later why am I not asleep!!!

Survived 3 straight days of crazy work

Just one.more.to.go for this session

God knows how tough it has been 

Very proud of myself for pushing through

Though it feels like office work the way I do not socialize because I just get too exhausted at the start and end of workday 

Lame 

18.37pm

U know i pride myself on constantly developing my tastebuds to learn to accept things I used to dislike 

And this year I have learnt to a degree to accept some degree of onions and egg yolk

Yay @ me for constantly trying the things I dislike just because 

Like im on fear factor

Lolol I still dislike water and tofu though

I can accept soya bean if I lie to myself and tell myself it's condensed milk

15.42pm

Huh who's crying listening to For good?

Me?

Ohh lol 

13.22pm

The removal of esplanade library and MERLION is a ripoff 

+==edit==+

15.32pm

Everytime i watch wwe i want to be a wrestler

How like this

23.52pm

Im blogging right as my head hit the pillow

What a Sunday to end off this week with almost 12 hours of work 

My body is aching all over and my brain has so many things to settle before Wednesday's trip

At least the physical part of it is done and dusted (...for the month)

(Besides laundry and packing)

Relieved doesnt even begin to express how my body feels right now

Im gonna give myself a physical and mental break for tonight before resuming errands the next two days

Alhamdulillah for everything

Cant wait for the next time I get a massage lol 

02.50am

Alhamdulillah for today!

Survived very well, I think the resting until showtime is still my best bet for having a good show

All good except my back and shoulders are so sore but usually sleep eliminates half the pain so let's hope for a restful sleep

Although I do have to be up in 5 hours 

Bismillah for the next two days

I find it rather interesting what I choose to blog nowadays

I really should get back into daily blogging

16.55pm

Just a girl who's still learning how to hack her own system

What puts me at ease in different scenarios- relaxing? hyping myself up? avoiding the topic? getting into the topic?

Experimenting until I find out because i'm my best investment

Like right now im shutting down conserving energy 

But will it make me low energy later?

Or is this exactly what I need?

The least I know is that I should use any time I have to rest and then awaken my body nearer to the show

Work is so physically demanding

Unsolicited stamina building session

17.52pm

A burden shared is a burden halved indeed

Wherever we have capacity to help anyone in anyway, let's just do it

Fearing rejection is stupid, so what, you feel embarrassed for 2 seconds?!

Ok bye

02.54am

Finally settled down after a physically arduous day

I dont even know how much I slept last night

Probably almost 4 hours 

The luteal phase is in its full force

Whole body is aching but it just means it's working well

I struggled tonight but I did not give up

Slowed down, took my time, listened to my body, but also pushed myself to not stop which im so amazed how fast and strong my mind over matter can be!

Also reached out for help when I needed it, literally needed a pull sometimes and I asked for just that

Sometimes I forget that I can be persistent- just because im very good at not doing what I dont want to do (dk why 2.4km run came to my mind immediately HAHAHA)

Work environment was the worst it's been but thankful for helpful people

An exciting day ahead in more ways than one, so I just hope the sleep tonight is miraculously a recharge for my body 

But I also know even if I wake up still aching all over, i'll be gentle with myself and it'll all be okay and I will still manage to have a good day despite being physically not 100% huhu aminnn ♡

Also how is it that the MOMENT your period starts all these symptoms just dissipate into thin air 

But for now they're very much still here so

We'll get through this!!!

Amazing

11.23am

This is not the day for me to have this aching neck from sleeping wrong position ouch 

+==edit==+

14.30pm

Spoiler alert, stretching, massages and moving helps

Alhamdulillah much much better already 

Now I can think about my interesting day ahead

Bismillah for today, may He ease our affairs amin amin 

Merry November (22.13pm)

Have been trying to clear memory by editing vlogs

The amount of vlogs ive churned out over the past week is amazing

This is called quantity over quality 

Samsung done messed up when they removed the sd card feature as well as earpiece jack 

Loser follow the losers somemore la

23.15pm

Cant remember the last time I felt this exhausted

But I totally called it 

The physical tiredness has caught up and caught up good

I need to eat 

17.52pm

Hate... listening... to... speeches.....thatarenotinspiring

01.03am

Long day ahead

Calltime at 750am

+==edit==+

14.13pm

I dont understand people who hold onto unnecessary pain and exercises no transparency in communication

Like life is such a lollygag it's so fleeting and unserious

Just talk like a person

If yes then yes if no then no 

Grey areas are troublesome

Sometimes stoicism is a good guiding principle lol

(This is regarding interaction outside ourselves)

+==edit==+

19.10pm

So unlike my heart

My brain is getting kinda frustrated at how quiet it has been 

Quiet but deafening

I hear so many things but also nothing

It's never been so indecisive before

Stop okay im being gracious 

Had a long day, I feel like my insides are so occupied that I can't feel my physical tiredness at all

I just know once I sort out my insides the physical part will catch up hahaa but it is okay we are troopers in here

Got 3 hours of sleep yesterday but I dont even feel tired 

Good I guess, maybe a chance of me sleeping early even though tomorrow's calltime is not early 

12.40pm

Had a dance rehearsal at 9am yesterday and it felt nice to be forced to do cardio 

And I realise I wished I never stopped dancing

I think I do really enjoy it; literally my first professional art form

I just don't like the community lol mostly so toxic and political for no reason at all

But yesterday, being around passionate professionals all working together to create a show made me feel homesick for earl (who simultaneously was having a soundcheck for a gig)

I wished I was doing this but with my band instead

Anyways last night was tough but whateva 

+==edit==+

19.39pm

So funny to be confused over a decision that isn't even mine to make

02.04am

Forcing myself to sleep never works and idk why I tried 

I was unconscious for probably 15 mins in total after trying for an hour and now im just jolted back up

Brain let's rest okay, calltime in 7 hours 

My band also has a 9am calltime for a gig later and I wished I was meeting them instead but it's ok, girl hustling for unlimited holiday funds

Hahaha

Okay

Bye

Goodnight and I hope you're sleeping better than me 

00.00am

Hey I actually saw the calendar changing dates in the app

Cool

+==edit==+

17.14pm

So rare to work consecutive days in a row so it always feels weird but this time it's just five days normal humans work five days 

+==edit==+

19.22pm

Made fried rice in a rice cooker today

Also,

Some people run away by standing in the same spot for too long

17.08pm

Got violently woken up to do spring cleaning but thank you much needed

Now day 1 is done and I stepped out and realise how beautiful the weather is today

Hope everyone is having a wonderful beautiful day ♡ 

14.45pm

Intuition, 

Universe,

Could you speak louder?

I really can't hear you amidst all these chaotic, unruly thoughts

I know I just need time to myself to sort out my insides

And all will be clear and all will be well

+==edit==+

18.28pm

Fell asleep for 5 minutes but it felt like hours

My fav kind of naps, supercharge

03.31am

Not gonna force myself to sleep

02.09am

Tried to make myself fall asleep around 1am but I can still hear my insides laughing at the absurdity

01.20am

Finally settled down and lying down after a long day

Travelled to the West twice in a day for work, once at 10am and again at 7pm 

A rest day tomorrow which means chores

I gotta go out to replace my screen protector though cause it unsolicitedly removed itself hahaha funny

Cant tell if my eyes or body is tireder but my brain is happy being awake

I dont know why I typed all these

Hope anyone reading has a wonderful day ahead 

16.06pm

God is with me and he will guide me

Merry October (20.50pm)

All will be well

Gotta start the new month with nothing but positive vibes that everything will work out when you leave it to the universe

Take care of my heart dear god 

+==edit==+

21.41pm

Sense of time has eluded me

I thought it's 3am, maybe 4am

It's not even 10pm yet

When I wake up i'll think it's 2pm

But it'll be 6am

You know how when you stopped schooling you don't really know the day of the week

That's me but worse 

I like it though, being lost in time.

Just sometimes it feels nice to not think

18.14pm

Looks cool on the outside is jamming to earl the band my favourite band while theyre singing nonsense and trying not to laugh challenge

03.29am

My toxic trait is every night before a trip I will not sleep because "i can sleep on the commute there"

00.48am

Maybe after all that's said and done, 

You're the lucky one

The inability to feel love means the inability to feel pain, too. 

02.59am

Brain told me an hour ago "Oh good we can get 5 solid hours of sleep that's perfect"

Brain now says "we be knewn"

But also should we try and sleep now or just stay up and sleep after work

Cant even tell if im tired lol 

Let's not force anything 

01.13am

Ok might be tough but I aim to sleep before 3am tonight

+==edit==+

06.24am

Dang it

08.57am

Me everytime 8am rolls around: so do i sleep now or start my day

50% chance either side wins even though it's not a challenge at all hahah

23.55pm

Fell asleep at like 10pm thinking nice sleeping early today

Woke up so well rested and wondering if it's 4am or 5am 

Only 90 mins have passed

Nice 

Power nap at night wasnt the plan but okay then

Also mustafa is finally back to being 24 hours

Good!!! Something to do while everyone's asleep!!! 

09.14am

I literally havent slept just because everytime i try to make myself sleep im like But it's so boring to sleep!!!

And then I wake right back up and find new things to do

I know the body and brain needs the rest but..... lol 

I would be ok with this situation if I didnt have casting later 

Maybe I should use my potentially tired eyes to my advantage

Dont know whether to be glad I changed the slot from 12pm to 4pm

+==edit==+

11.32am

Went for a walk, bought some groceries, ate breakfast and put myself in a positive mood

All this right before my bedtime 

Hahaha

Plan was to buy salmon and make some salmon spinach dish for breakfast

But the supermarket first of all has swee heng products (?!?!? I LOVE) AND swee heng has real food delivered daily 

I bought the salmon anyways for future use but ended up buying nasi lemak from swee heng (rice and sambal is delicious but the fish is a small tiny fish whose tiny bone caused me to currently have a plaster on my thumb lolol ughh fish bones are not friends)

I made omelette with satay sausage as extra protein which was the best idea ever

Since I dont have to think about lunch anymore I can set my alarm slightly later I guess k bye yapper alert

05.32am

Been so long since I felt my body clock be wack

I just dont get sleepy and then i still wake up early in the morning and THEN i get tired

Bahahah

Thankfully (or maybe it's because) it's a work free week this week

Oh wells

Yesterday felt like another birthday celebration and I was happy about it

Even came home with some gifts

Including things i've been wanting to buy but never did 

Just grateful 

Dont know when i'll feel tired tonight but no pressure

19.21pm

Sometimes having blind faith is hard

Trust all will be okay

02.33am

Have trust in Him

For as long as im moving with good intentions

I always pray for Allah to make me someone who eases people's affair and not be someone who hurts others

+==edit==+

17.31pm

Me; slightly feel bad cus first time hosting a game and somehow got a group of very enthusiastic people (as opposed to forced corporate creatures)

The song in my ear; it's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap

Aw thank u for the reminder i know i will be ok 

15.42pm

What am I supposed to do when I am suddenly thinking of the burger in Bangkok

09.03am

The number of times I have woken up throughout my sleep.... man

Yesterday night was amazing

Went for a magic show and got a life lesson

Aka a reminder that we treat people based on who we are, regardless of who they are

Funnily enough is the same message of the first wonderwoman movie hahahaha (it's not about deserve, it's about how I feel about it)

So yes people can act out all they want- for as long as I am me, all will be well

More importantly, the show was so good!!!

I think more than the impressive tricks is how we were made to feel throughout

Ok why am I blogging I should sleep more I have a show tonight

turned 28 today (21.59pm)

although my mind was in all sorts of place, my heart knew it was safe around my loved ones

Truly undeserving but god knows i needed their love 

♡ 

Return their kindness and love manymanyfolds Ya Allah

Tired enough to... might spend the last 2 hours of my birthday napping

Not ideal but it's what I need right now I guess

Hopefully I wake up more positive but I am very very proud of my brain for being so fast and good and processing

And insta's algorithm helped too

Ok goodnight (probably)

08.51am

Body clock too disciplined in Bangkok when I come back I proceed to not sleep 2/4 days im home

How why when 

13.47pm

Loving Bangkok so far

Except I spent the most amount of money I have ever spent overseas ugh darn you cheap and cute makeup 

Everytime I buy things I tell myself "It's for performances" and then I feel justified 

HAHAHAH

Just 3 more sessions to go 

So close yet so far

Can't wait to return here with the family 

+==edit==+

15.47pm

I KNEW I should have just yoloed and go to tokti's Genting concert

I was like ok maybe similar to SG's one and also got rehearsearl

NO.

She somehow made it EVEN better who the heck knows how

The videos are making me emotional 

Too good 

Already awaiting for the next time I get to see her ♡

8.22am

It is 8.22am

I got 8 hours of sleep 

It is cold 

On work trips I always have to decide between resting and having fun

Hahaha yesterday both me and my colleague got headache during/after rehearsal- probably lack of oxygen

Thankfully a break today

08.25am

Finding myself more willing to introduce myself as actress and singer because what else am I if not it's literally my job????

(i think it's me knowing i havent reached a comfortable stage and respecting those titles)

(but still)

05.36am

Not my biphasal sleep making an appearance 

Discovered black instant henna and I love it 

Merry August! (00.00am)

Bismillah for a new month!

May it be filled with grace, light, love and happiness ♡ 

08.02am

Cant remember the last time I didn't sleep before a shoot

But good team bought coffee for us so good hahahaha

Thank god the morning birds found each other and a fellow night owl with dry eyes found me and we're sitting in silence on our phones while the rest is yapping away

Lolz

+==edit==+

19.18pm

If it's not for these tired dry eyes cause of contacts and the perpetual smoke machine on set I would be playing the bass right now 

08.39am

Morning birds are called that because they get up early and chirp and make noise!!!!

Unfair that night owls get slammed for hooting once in a while and we must keep quiet and tiptoe through the night but in the morning the birds just AKAJSIWKABDWLPAN + MUSIC BLAST + asking me questions when I JUST fell asleep 2 hours ago lol

Next time they try to sleep i will barge into their rooms and start talking to them too

02.27am

This past week ive just not been looking at the time and just going to sleep when i feel sleepy

And i think my body likes it 

00.46am

I know I havent finished yesterday's story hahah will edit it next time

Cooked two days in a row, who am I 

I think the forced home rest for 3 straight days has made me find things to do 

So my alarm is set for like 7am (7.02am, for truth seekers)

And im contemplating whether to sleep early (aka soon) and get up early to everything shower and mini breakfast

Or do those tonight and then sleep in a bit 

Aka

So funny how it's even a question but ok to be fair, ive been sleeping like 4am-8am, 3am-7am so like im currently strongly and equally night owl and morning bird 

Therefore both choices are not out of the question

I have to reach jurong at 9am later

JuRONG more like juWrong

Thankfully it's a weekend though so traffic wont be so horrible in the morning

Ok im probably going to eat some pasta that I made for dinner and then maybe make coffee and stick it in the fridge for tomorrow

Still contemplating about the everything shower part .....

ps cant believe i packed my specs in my bag at 10pm as if i was gonna sleep right after packing my bag hahahahaha lol 

21.24pm

Ya allah

Something just happened that might be a sign of one of your hikmah

I don't know, probably might never know

But I hope that kid is okay like he promised he'd be

I don't know what he's going through but to be sitting in public crying by himself after I walked by him basically four times

Ok backup 

I was going to NTUC but decided to check out the minimart nearby that just opened

Realised they have everything I needed but no price tag so abit sus but nevermind try cus convenience

Bought my things and like 10 metres away I realise the cashier forgot to pack 2 of my things but i'm like you know what i'll put these home and come back

Walked back home and the same teenage/young adult boy in hoodie sitting under my void deck on his phone was still there

Went home put things, went out again

Walked by him again and I told myself I will ask if he's ok

Ok brb im gonna cook lol

Merry July! (16.37pm)

Sometimes you just drop the ball for awhile for no apparent reason and it's really okay

You don't need anyone to understand, you don't need to beat yourself up over missing deadlines and not doing tasks

You don't have to be afraid of the to-do list being overwhelming because you've missed so much of it

Everyone deserves grace and off days, or weeks even at times

All that matters is you love yourself enough to slowly pick the pieces back up and move forward

All with grace

Patience

Find a hand to grab onto if you need to 

And soon it'll be back to business 

Happy birthday doya alataz, im very grateful that youre in my life even though i may attack u unsolicitedly sometimes because we are both intellectuals (HAHA) but youre still patient and loving and always there for me and I only hope i can be an equally good uncearl to you

Here's to relentlessly chasing our dreams and yapping for hours even though everyone questions how we can talk so much HAHA ♡

Thinking of om too, I still remember that day vividly and how much I wished I was special so god would grant me just a prayer

Keeping mak ngah and family in my prayers and thoughts always

May Allah keep them under his protection and grant them endless strength 

And for all of us, too

Anyway, after a busking audition and ignoring 300 messages of work obligations from all over, i'm recharged enough to pick up the ball again

Even though I just set up the bass to play it I am now taking a break from it to reply messages and settle work stuff hahahah

Ok byee let's have a beautiful day ahead 

15.51pm

Mixed feelings about seeing tokti's concert tonight

On one hand im watching my bff sister childhood friend do what she does best im going as a family member who loves her and have loved her for decades

On the other hand IM WATCHING MY FAVOURITE SINGER EVER SING LIVE 

The first one makes me calm and then the second makes me scream so 

AHHHH!!!! 

Best of luck tokti!!! I will see your beautiful face in 4 hours ♡ 

My heart cannot!!! 

+==edit==+

16.17pm

Have been passively avoiding songs spoilers by watching instastories on mute but some posts they'll put the song title and I just SCREaMed seeing bicara manis menghIRIS KALBUAHHHHHHH 

17.38pm

Played the bass guitar (like attempted a song) for the first time yesterday and today I did it again!

I hate the guitar because it hurts but bass has been friendlier to my fingers so far 

After that i touched my keyboard and i can feel it sideeyeing me 

02.41am

Literally got ten seconds of shut eye and this thought came to me;

Honestly if it's up to me, I really wont sleep

I really dont like it

Feels like a waste of time and it is a weird activity 

Hahahaha

But I guess it's necessary to rest the brain and being

And silence the thoughts for awhile

Sweetdreams. 

Salam Aidiladha! (12.49pm)

When you love someone, forgiveness is like breathing even though the betrayal and hurt is felt tenfolds

10.18am

Feeling just a bit down but strangers smile at me like we're old friends and I get reminded of His light again and again

Not to mention kindness of loved ones 

+==edit==+

12.23pm

Um I know insidious 4 was sad but i dont remember it being THIS sad my heart is not ok

literally had to stop the movie before the last painting reveal because I know I will just cry (like how i did at the cinema) and im literally on set right now

Why u crying r u ok

Ya im just watching insidious

What a silly reason hahahaha

Im gonna rewatch when im by myself so i can cry at that last scene

Love u ellise

16.20pm

I want to remember this feeling

Light, strong, sunshine

Blue skies

Clear mind

The opposite of heaviness

Alhamdulillah for last minute jobs

Don't know what I did and whose prayers are protecting me (besides my cute parents ofcus hehe)

But thank you Allah 

+==edit==+

16.32pm

Bruh I just opened One siti song and her beautiful voice is making me cry in the bus 

Not even a sad song hahahah

Love u tokti cant wait to see you ♡

02.13am

Kinda miss the little routines in KL already

10.28am

My heart is safe with Him

And i kinda dont want to go back to sg so fast... lol 

04.12am

Dang it

Alarm will ring in like an hour

Sleep does nothing but evade me 

Long but exciting day ahead but hoping for the best hahahah

Positive vibes only, no matter (fill in blank with whatever it is im feeling right now lol) 

00.24am

I just cycled to ntuc and bought groceries at my favourite grocery time; midnight

No crowd head empty peaceful

And I just used a duffel as my shopping bag

AND i am in a bus home (i love my area for their late running buses)

K bye must alight now

02.23am

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head.”

― Henry Rollins, The Portable Henry Rollins

16.18pm

Never have been really good at not following my heart

And I do not intend to start now

or ever

01.22am

Survived what felt like a long day!

A few things to debrief but for now im just relieved to be laying down resting

Cant remember the last time I felt like I need a massage but I certainly do feel that now

Alhamdulillah for everything

And thank you for taking care of my heart, Ya Allah

+==edit==+

15.02pm

I truly wasn't born to be a follower, so as much as you find that weird I find YOU weird

13.49pm

Feels like ive read everything there is to be read just for my brain to say, "i know, i know." again and again

And just for the heart to say, "but-"

04.47am

So anyway this extreme roller coaster of emotions are just not it

+==edit==+

15.46pm

Wow ive never heard Gotta go my own way and felt every single word like that

Whew I need a moment

14.25pm

Heal, so you don't bleed on people who did not hurt you

+==edit==+

16.23pm

Oh, too funny

Travelled back in time to read my old blogposts and so many things made me happy

Past me is great and she left a lot of messages to her future selves, and present me needed to hear all of them

Ok all except 1 where she tells me to study for exam HAHAHA

That little journey to the past made my heart happy and lighter

♡ 

14.19pm

Meta really taking over all the apps and making them WORSE every single time

Ive always hated reels and facebook videos used to be my source of joy and now it is all reels and I loathe them

What kind of short attention span and bad portrait orientation videos are REELS 

Youtube shorts also gotta go but at least it's separate from the actual videos

Fb is just now all jumbled up 

Gross meta u suck big time

16.47pm

So weird to be doing nothing at home after 9 straight days of working

Work dont even feel like work which is amazing

Aiming to have more jobs lined up for me because I have spent the past 4 month leisuring lol very recuperated and ready to restart the hustle

Anyway I fell asleep at like 7am and my body happily woke me up at 10am nice

Also I think I can be patient and buy quby stickers at kl next month instead 

(Small sad for the wait but big excitement and patience)

Alrightyz adeu 

ps kinda miss busking but my cough came back so i probably cant even sing yet

pps reunited with earl the band after 2 weeks + 3 days and i lovedd it ♡ 

ppps ms rachel being bullied for speaking up and raising funds for children in genocide and more is crazy disguspink!!! Literally proceeded to follow her using all accounts I have because yes @ influential people who speaks up 

11.15am

Think I left a piece of my heart in Penang 

Do we consider ourselves bad travellers, if saying goodbye to a new piece of land always feels so hard

Or are we doing it right because it meant that we immersed wholeheartedly

I dont even know I dont even need answers it wasnt even a question hahaha

In an ideal world i'd be getting ready now, buying quby stickers (IMPORTANT!!) and then heading to shoot

In this world though I am still weary, heart slightly heavier than I'd like, and all I want to do is read and write

It's okay, I know for a fact that if things go wrong outside of my control, I just gotta look inwards and be gentle with myself

Out of ten on the scale of okayness and myselfness, I feel like a 4 right now

It fluctuates through the day

Last night I was a 10 and then it dropped to a 2 and then it went back up to an 8 

At least I know i'm not running away from my feelings

If I have anything, I have courage

And it is this courage that will get me through this

Courage to stay kind and loving and forgiving to myself, and to others

Courage to pull away when I want to and step back in when I need to

I don't even know what i'm talking about

I didnt even think I let my fingers move faster than my brain

Girl just wants to rest before work later

Ok bye hahahaha lol dabs

01.09am

Cant believe im leaving Penang today

Really loved it here even though all I do is work and sleep

I really will return someday soon insyaallah!

The vibes are beautiful and my heart cannot with the views that photos dont do justice to

Why did past me not ask for a one way flight ticket!!!

But issok, just more reason to return

Also first time I never shopping much hahaha cause procrastinate then in the end never buy anything (that is not from guardian.... aka i shopped in guardian.. half not even for me lol)

And 3/5 days i ate cream cheese churros

My roomie is sound asleep and I just want to stare out the window but that's abit creepy so I am not doing that

HAHAH 

Got to be up in 6 hours and I hope I dont wake up from the alarm blaring from the room beside ours- like yesterday morning at 6am lolol 

Also so funny this whole team not morning birds so none of us went for the hotel breakfast ever hHahahahhA same

K bye i shall do things I love you Penang please call my name soon again I wanna come again 

02.37am

Dangit forced myself to fall asleep and I think I KOed for 12 minutes before waking up again

Long day ahead, and physical too

Might need to standby a white flag of I-need-to-take-it-slow at my back pocket, but for now, i'll do what I do best

Get through it

Had a hard time busking tonight but only I know how bad I felt and only I know how much it took in me to do it

I struggled singing love story and then couldnt even sing a duet

But by the grace of god I just kept pushing through and then I did it! (Of course, had a lot of support) 

Future me would be proud of past me

We did it

ps not me hearing john cena's voice when I was typing "GET THROUGH IT" ^

pps also my part time busking partner sang Wonderful tonight and I said I would back him up but then I cant stop unhearing the rock's version so I didnt even try

ppps maybe i'll stop forcing myself to sleep and just take a nap during lunch later but still hopefully I can get at least a 2 hours sleep 

21.35pm

It's always darkest before the dawn (insert cool breakdown here)

16.23pm

I just cried because people are kind to me

And then I remember, the last time I felt this down, it was random kindness from people that really helped sailed me through rough spots

And the most amazing part of it, it's so second nature to them

Oh what did I do do have these people, but I won't say I don't deserve it because I know in a heartbeat, i'd do the same, and humans are just weak and need each other for strength sometimes

Only God can bless their kindness, whether they intended to be kind or were just being themselves (i'll still try, but only He can repay as much as they deserve)

Here's to stronger days ahead ♡ May He always keep our hearts soft, gentle and loving. Despite. 

"No Muslim is afflicted with any harm, even if it were the prick of a thorn, but that Allah expiates his sins because of that, as a tree sheds its leaves."

01.37am

Islam teaches us that when we're struggling, we should help people in hopes that God will do the same for us

A mere, weakling of a human, we can't afford to think of this as a self-serving behaviour

We can't afford to especially when He is the only help we can rely on

When i'm down in the dumps like this, I will try to make people happy in hopes that I get some relief.

God is great 

He knows best

Grant me endless patience and strengthen my heart, please please ♡

09.58am

Having been on stage basically my whole life, I have subconsciously trained myself to feel all the nerves the day before so that I don't have much or any left on the actual day

And it has been quite some time since I felt these nerves

Nerves are good, it means I care

It is finally not a lollygag

But it also means I failed to fall asleep hahahha

Actually that's more of the excitement

Anyway I have to find my outfit for tomorrow's performance today

Still debating whether to just get up and go or sleep for the day first

I just hope I fall asleep tonight!!!!

Me @ me please rest your body and brain

04.49am

The struggle between decisions is always eliminated when you just follow your heart 

Anyway, what a night

Impromptu kepoed brothers' prawning outing

First time prawning, caught a few (got the first 2 prawns so fast!!)

First time trying to use a hengua (henna + jagua ink) but aborted mission cause the ink was too runny 

First time riding a motorbike!!!

Everyone was more scared than me hahah

Anyway the bike was heavier than I thought like 3 times heavier

But I did it!

So cool

All these just hours before my first big shoot of the year

Alhamdulillah for today

I have a 930am calltime but it's at Bishan so should be okay

Havent been able to fast for the third day today so I can start my day with coffee later ;')

Okay I should get some rest 

Gotta be up in 3 hours or less (depending if im taking bus or grab hahahaha lol)

K byee bismillah for the day ahead! 

23.19pm

Tonight I get reminded of His vast, incomparable love.

The love that comes in many many, all forms

In the love of our loved ones, in our health, our rezeki

Our capabilities, our weaknesses

Tonight my heart is taken care of by its creator

And I feel at ease, as always ♡ 

Alhamdulillah

08.37am

Sleep schedule so crazy I cant remember whether I slept or not HAHAH

Literally had a moment of "should i sleep or do things- wait did I wake up from a sleep or am I going to sleep"

I think I slept for 2 hours idek 

Also the sleep tracker in my phone always fails to register the hours

9am is a bedtime too ok discriminatory behaviour 

00.35am

Feeling slightly yucky for the first time this year

Besides the exhaustion and extreme lack of rest, I havent been the lightest and brightest the past 2 days

But it's up to me to bring back my light

But also feeling heaty internally from tiredness and pushage of physical self

This too shall pass 

02.28am

Alhamdulillah

He really eased all our affairs today

In more ways than imaginable 

First buka session with the band today huhu 

So far this year I havent buka at home everyday new place including nenek house 

Slow down, oh holy month

07.46am

My body is very impressive

Yesterday I crashed and suddenly today it thinks it doesnt need any rest

The one day I have a gig during ramadan 

Issok 

Had a really lovely Saturday with family

Alhamdulillah for everything

Keep us in health, in your light and blessings Ya Allah.

Watched like 4 minutes of royal rumble 2008 because the kids this generation are all boys and therefore... why are boys so silly why they must follow the wrestlers

We grew up watching wwe and we never follow!!!

Ok follow but only when on a bed

HAHAHAH

Ok anyways

Played cheese thief and it was so funny

We put an entire slice of cake in the middle and the cheese thief had to take a bite out of the cake in silence

And ika choked cus she took too big of a scoop and there were whole nuts in them

Wana accidentally took a bite even though she wasnt cheese thief

She also tapped me twice so I opened my eyes thinking she is the thief asking me to be her accomplice but when I opened my eyes she panicked and shook her head no while I saw yana's eyes wide open (the real accomplice)

Too funny

And also to see the 4 babies big enough to semi interact with each other

They all performed babyshark for us thank you for the free show

I love all you smallies 

+==edit==+

10.06am

Gave up trying to make myself fall asleep if I dont want to 

Hoping I fall asleep for a power nap within the hour so I get a full 2 hours!!!

17.36pm

Crashed last night and missed sahur this morning

I have this overwhelming longing for sentosa

I have to oblige soon

My heart just wants to be there

Merry March (12.16pm)

Man Kung fu panda 4 was so good

I was just unsurprisingly disappointed when I heard Awkwafina's voice.... @ hollywood I think she's been typecasted enough (literally jumanji, raya and the last dragon, all same characters)

I tried (and managed) to ignore the voice the whole movie- it was hard at first it was too obvious

But anyways the movie is so sad to me cause I JUST watched Po work SO HARD to be dragon warrior and now he has to let it go

Truly loved the villain, cant deny that she's too cool

What kind of genius writing is in all of the kung fu panda universes!!!

And the part where Po fights HIMSELF omg meta and amazing i got chills 

Will definitely rewatch but first I want to rewatch from the first movie (even though I always rewatch the 3 movies for no reason) 

04.19am

Bruh I have to be up in exactly 3 hours but my brain is far from tiredness and falling asleep

The only reason I need sleep is because literal beauty sleep

If not i'd happily stay up 

Long, exciting day ahead

Bismillah and may all our affairs be eased

13.42pm

Please I just laughed to myself cause I got up and put om shades instead of my glasses nice 

05.34am

My bedtime being 6-11am 

At least I get sleep

Tried arranging raya song 

And (re)learning the keyboard 

What a creative day of staying home

+==edit==+

08.34am

Guess i pulled an all nighter for no reason (lowkey is one of my hobbies cus it feels like I have more time in the day even though I dont necessarily do anything) 

It's less frequent than when I was younger but still happy when it happens (80% of the times accidentally)

Ok I shall start my day then

11.24am

Literally woke up at 7am today, had breakfast and then a coffee nap

Now im out and about

Aka I realise my wearing shades indoors is not really for no reason (that technically equates to the word unreasonable) 

When im outside and it's sunny I love to see it

I love to see the sun and sky 

But I also love to wear shades

So the only place left is... you guessed it

Haha ok bye have a beautiful day ahead 

Merry February (03.45am)

Happy leap year year!

Something funny

I literally fell asleep at idk, 9 plus, 10pm

And I think my family thought im a morning bird but of course I woke up at midnight 

And now they're asking me to wake them up at 8am

HAHAHAH 

Looks like im doing night shift today

Sometimes im like oh I should drink water

Most of the time I do what I want

And that includes birthday cake flavoured oreos at 4am

00.53am

Oh nothing just watching my old vlogs and LOLing to myself

Funny siar

Hahahaha k bye

Also attempted spring cleaning for exactly 5 minutes but I just.... cant... .hahahha 

Hope I fall asleep before sunrise today I have a casting at 1pm 

Pleasepleaseee sleeppp (me knowing exactly I wont...)

+==edit==+

05.20am

I feel like with my current sleep schedule the only plans I feel happy to make are after 3pm

Even casting at 1pm feels so early cus I have to be up at like 11 (my alarm is 10)

Aiyaiyai

03.01am

First physical casting of the year later

Bismillah!

I've been not making it a deal but i've been acting for a year now

A few main roles, a few supporting roles, and many many MANY extra roles

I'm always excited to see what role I get next

Amongst which,

I've been a nurse, a lawyer, a patient, a childcare teacher, a technopreneur, a single mum, a prisoner, a police officer-

I've been in an MRT at 3am, Bird paradise before it was even ready, an abandoned school, studio sets-

I ran barefoot in the forest, checked a hotel room for signs of criminal activities, glued my mouth shut and had to sit very still while a drone flew right beside my head

I did an audiobook and recorded songs for kindergarten's curriculum

I got the coolest experiences so far

And I can't wait for more

I realise this blog knows nothing about 2023 me HAHAHA

I've been busking too!

After many many years (probably since sec school) of googling busking auditions, I finally did it last year

We got our license in May and have been quite consistently busking throughout the year

We even got some gigs, even a regular one at Tampines hub!

Ive always seen some friends regularly perform there and wonder when's my turn- answer: LAST YEAR!

Me 2 years ago would be so excited if she knew 

She'd be so proud

I'm so proud

It's been such a great music making journey

We get so happy seeing people on the streets smile, sit, enjoy, maybe cry 

It's a different, really interesting kind of performance

Especially since i've been performing on stages my whole life, busking was truly a culture shock- with people walking by and taking sneaky videos and putting money in the money box

So weird but we're definitely used to it 

EARL the Band, man,

We've come so far since our silly formation in 2019

"Just one cover" we thought

3 competitions and many gigs and videos later, throw in a sponsored trip to a choral festival in Haikou, China... (I KNOW, HUGE!!! AND I didnt blog?!?! What was I THINKING) 

Very proud of us and we're just getting started

Super excited to make music with my band!!!

At the end of 2022 I got a keyboard (it was on my wishlist) for the family gift exchange

Last year I touched it exactly Once 

I guess I was subconsciously demoralized (got such thing? hahahaha) that my fingers dont remember much

I used to play a lot in sec school but 2023 me didnt have the patience HAHAH

But yesterday,

Oh yesterday

I put it in front of me and played again

So annoying how I have to regain my coordination and memory, but,

I now put it where I know i'll play it

Went Hiking and swimming 

I feel like maintaining mobility and stamina is so important, not just for performing

Equally cause I have growing nephews 

I want to be able to be the fun aunt and play with them for hours without being tired

Tired was never in my dictionary 

Until a year of OFFICE JOB (BOOOOO!!!!)

Hahaha drama

But I shall regain my energy by doing things I love

Happy place, always

Okay wowww I blogged to complain about how I should be asleep 

Lol yeah right

00.36am

Been sometime since I experienced a day so filled with opposing emotions

The more I learn about periods and how hormones literally affect your brain, the more I give myself grace

It's okay that today I feel crazy

I feel strong for a moment and then I get weak again

And then I write and write, and feel strong again

And then hours pass by and I remember things and it makes me hurt again

But then I read back what I wrote when I was stronger,

And i'm strong once more

What a rollercoaster

But i'm grateful I even have the ups amidst the downs

Also, hoping everything just goes back into place

It will all work out beautifully

I will be okay 

♡

00.41am

Sampai hati.

Survived an 11 hour shoot basically where 9 of them was spent sitting on a stool so like all our lower backs are just... exhausted

But also, thank god for sending me a few people who helped pass the time so much more effortlessly with their passion

My heart is a little tired of feeling

I'll put it down a while for a rest

I'm not leaving it behind, or punishing it for doing what it does best

I'll just put it down a short while, for a short rest

God knows I need it

+==edit==+

03.51am

Randomly signed up for a netball clinic with the national team 

Was even looking forward to it kinda

But it's at 9.45am at tampines and I cant sleep and my back hurts 

............

I still set my alarm at 7.37am we'll see how much energy I have then 

My guess... not much

I will genuinely try though lolz

13.23pm

God blessed me with patience and compassion

If I dont use it then i'm doing a disservice to myself

20.47pm

Ah.

Hopefully the night dont feel too long. 

Just for tonight. 

01.48am

I ate lunch during lunchtime and dinner during dinnertime

Thought i'd crash after swimming but obviously not

Idk if meal planning is making me hungry or it really is supper time

Body clock violently alternating between crash at 2am wake up at 6am 

And

Falls asleep at 8am

As long as I sleep I guess

Hahahah

Thought i'd morning bird later today but seeing how awake I feel right now I wont have expectations

I might literally get up any second to get a small bite 

+==edit==+

20.47pm

Ah.

Hopefully the night dont feel too long. 

Just for tonight. 

+==edit==+

21.59pm

Confusing and wasted day

Note to self, write write write

All will be okay

He has my heart in his hands and He takes care of it

Embrace being the bigger person always

No regrets

Ate overnight oats at 3pm and cant even tell if im full but there was no hunger pangs 

I just ate dinner though in case my body just didnt tell me

Anyways

Here's to a better day ahead insyaallah 

06.56am

My morning bird phase lasted exactly two days

Lolol

Will probably be tired soon

But for now, just embrace the peace

06.30am

2nd day of morning birdness woww

9.14am

Sis almost had a proper night's sleep

I crashed a bit after midnight and got up to shower at like 6.45am

Granted I woke up literally every two hours but fell right back asleep each time

Wanted to go for a morning walk but.. haha issok later 

Had my first shoot of the year yesterday and started off strong with a 9 hour one

My entire body still hurts from hiking and just existing HAHAHA aging population

K drama no 

I guess im building strength without realising

Go me!!!

Dreamt of undertaker and he so scary but I was so brave in the dream hahahah 

Like I was interviewing him and he was being his scary self but I still spoke to him like a friend

Ok bye lolol time to find breakfast

p.s. totally posted this on the wrong blog 

00.16am

Nice I just typed my first "1 Jan 2023"

Hahahaha

+==edit==+

02.34am

This year I shall fully immerse in my body clock

No matter what phase im in i'll make the best out of it

Not that I havent been doing it, but sometimes I tend to want to force myself to sleep so I can "have an early morning" and "start my day early"

But it never ever happens, im just going against my biology and making myself suffer for no reason

Instead, i'll revolve my activities around my sleep schedule

At least for activities I am in control of

Ok Singapore, time to make more things open 24 hours just for me thank you 

Happy blessed New Year (16.22pm)

Happy 2024!

I cant believe I somehow stopped daily blogging in 2023

But wow what an experience

Alhamdulillah for everything.

May Allah heal the hurting, and bestow his light, love and blessings to everyone in need of him. 

I pray we all be protected from harm, and is always in his grace.

Amin, Amin.

I did so many cool things last year, and I dont want to forget it

Earl even got to perform for countdown last night, at my childhood place no less 

Such a cool experience 

Time is arbitrary but a new year is a perfect time for a clean slate

This year I want to go back to who I am, find out my true heart

Which I havent been the past few years

Of course, soul revising in grace.

No space for unnecessary negativities 

When you do good you attract good

When you think good you show good

Ok I need sometime to get back into writing for potential eyes to see but,

Hopefully daily blogging resumes as normal, even if what I do is complain about how I cant sleep

Hahahaha

Happy happy new year again, all the good prayers ♡