18.00pm

Seriously dont need negativity especially when it comes to my craft
I want risks, I want free fall and I want yolo to the max

05.02am

Me still not crashing at a peasant human time after days of 1 houred sleeps
Good stamina

05.00am

Always the most unsleepable on nights I have a wakeup time set
Sadly gotta go back to the office in 3 hours time
Hopefully it's nothing too brain consuming cause im exhausted

+==edit==+
15.05pm

Surviving well
Just when I felt like just falling onto the floor mei lin decided to give us a break ahahah thank you
How did I not bring my charger!!! Im so mad litrally brought it in the same bag yesterday without using it and then I took it out overnight

01.48am

Okay at 11.59pm I was gonna blog but it turned midnight already so
Had a bittersweet day yesterday
Started the morning with the burial of Tok Noh, may he be placed amongst the righteous.
It feels surreal, I guess it will always be.
Thank you for all the light and liveliness you've given the family, you'll never be forgotten tok noh and we will keep you alive with stories about your antics and taglines. (And how he calls our names, shasha ika yana are all shashas, im uni, and yes many more variations of names and even song lyrics hahaha)
Al-Fatihah
Mohd Noh bin Idris
4th January 1961-24th October 2021

Went to nenek's house afterwards to eat and mingle, baby Alfie is just too much he always looks so focused when we sing with hand movements
Napped for what I hoped was 2 hours but was actually 20 mins before playing a random telegram game with cena ele and chiqa, it was fun hahaha but I had to get ready for Safiah's wedding at night
Thankfully nenek has baju kurung I could wear, kak su had makeup and heels and thus I was set (well except my shiny bagpack lol)
Headed to katong for the event and it was soo lovely to catchup with shabs and syuh (the new mummy!!!), wished asyraf and mima were there too
Walked to parkway parade with 10% battery
A gojek uncle (who enjoys philosophy and music too!) accompanied me while I wait for human before heading to the beach- thankfully my phone lasted until we met
The beach was quite lively for a Monday night!
I had a really pleasant time

Today I tried A&W for the first time since it reopened in SG
The portion of the coney dog + curly fries + root beer was just nice to make me perfectly full!

Um, I have to reach someplace in 7 hours
Shall set my alarm and attempt to fall asleep
My eyes are quite tired but we all know that means nothing
Hahaha okay
Goodnight

ps Note to self; always choose positive feelings

01.49am

Just realised that I dont remember my MI GP teacher's name
I can literally remember full names of my primary schoolmates and birthdates of people I dont talk to but such a recentish fact I dont remember
Oh well just shows how little MI meant to me lol (only good thing was MCS aka abang mok)

Im at a point where yes I have devastating news to share but I havent processed it yet
Tok noh is gone.
Covid, too.
It warms my heart that he will be amongst Allah's loved ones, perfect and at peace and free, but I am so so sad that none of us, especially nenek who probably meant the world to him, got to see him recently
I have a lot of memories of and with him, and I want to document it all but like I said,
havent even slightly processed it
In the morning it would be different
In the morning we'll head to the procession and reality might sink in
May He grant nenek and the rest of the family strength and peace- she lost two of her closest people within 10 days apart of each other

04.46am

A struggle when my brain is awake and fresh but my eyes are tired and heavy
Like right now

+==edit==+
15.33pm

No idea what time I finally fell asleep
Also only for e.a.r.l would I learn a new score pls hahahaha
Also happy it's the weekend
I usually stay home on weekends unless family drags me out because personally my inclination is to avoid crowd
But also work tomorrow but also I usually do all my work on Sunday night so monday doesnt feel bleagh aka I do work whenever I feel like it so I dont feel tied down by responsibilities
I wanna adventure more
Yesterday's cycling adventure made me feel quite accomplished
I just miss rehearsearls did I mention that probably only every other day
I lost my grandfather to covid and I have a granduncle who is now in the ICU because of covid and they were both in different nursing homes
If a slightly tighter restriction could reduce the community cases enough for people to not lose their lives every single day (which is not okay) then the only reason to not do so is ultimately selfishness
Im not spending my brain cells thinking about this it's frustrating trying to figure out people's (lack of) logic
I saw some videos recommended on fb about the ministers "answering" questions and I air quote answering because they did none of the answering
The textbook answers are so last year
But unlike many I dont need a "We were wrong" admission cause we all already know they are hahahaha
I'll probably edit this post to remove the whole rant about covid but im just lazy to think and im just typing the most present thoughts im having
Im hungry
Mama is cooking so yay
I need to edit at least 1 vlog and I will have 5gb more memory lol

01.16am

In true Me fashion, a night before an adventure is a sleepless one due to excitement
Hahaha I love that about myself lol please never change thanks
Also we might have learnt that Alfie is a leftie
Just a random fact lol

+==edit==+
02.53am

I might have to be up in 2, or else 3 hours
I hope not crowded bluek

+==edit==+
15.56pm

Officially settled down
Felt like I went on a holiday for 8 hours and then came back
Best things about mornings is that the day feels longer, aka more daytime and sunshine
However why do I always fail to sleep before embarking on physical activities
I have showered and am now diligently trying to finish a cup of iced water before hopefully sleeping or not honestly im not that tired lolz

Ps; i dont want to forget that;
Your family told us you loved flowers, atok.
You'd always put a lot in the coffins of those who passed before you did
Thankfully one of them managed to sneak in a few flowers with you before your body was sealed

+==edit==+
16.08pm

After all that sun I come back to cold
Not complaining either way ehehe
Ok fine I just came back from my very first time to Pulau Ubin!
I did too well

+==edit==+
23.37pm

Content managing my phone always makes me oof cause I keep vlogging but never edit
I have footage from hmx's first concert in 2018 still sitting begging to be edited
Lol

15.46pm

Why isit so cold
Finally got my specs and I thought it'd be a yay but my eyes got shocked at the HDness and it hurtz
Lol i'll need to train myself all over again

+==edit==+
18.32pm

The rollercoaster of emotions I went through the past 2 hours
Happy because e.a.r.l is finally starting on a new song
But I accidentally revisited heartbreak
No thanks to instagram's explore page which made me THINK and therefore FEEL
Im done

The post where I say the word annoy thrice lol (04.28am)

Did work for the past 2 hours
Had a lovely day yesterday, went to see baby fahri and mummy eatgo with chiqa this time round
Got a chic-a-boo feast and I managed to make fahri stop crying by singing Old mcdonalds, but I ran out of animals to include and I had to make chiqa quickly give me ideas while im singing
So yes in old macfahri's farm there's giraffes, bears and pandas
Had an annoying experience when going home though- the lift stopped at every floors possible (because the other one broke down so everyone was using that one lift) and what was supposed to be a 15 seconds journey from the house to the road became 5 minutes and thus I was charged the late fee for a grab ride we didnt even need to take because the vaccination centre we were rushing to was a no-go
Boy was I annoyed (also on this note usually I book ryde as it gives me less worry about rushing for the car but freakin heck they JUST introduced late fees too what a loser)
(Dont get me wrong im not one who makes drivers wait I only book when im ready but there are drivers who gives unecessary pressure when they say Arrived but they're nowhere to be seen and they cant be contacted- I HATE this with all my being)
But whatever la eh just thinking that maybe it's their rezeki soothes my fiery heart
Hahaha anyways I got a text that my specs are ready for collection!
Yayzers

ps why the heckie is this post not publishing are u trying to annoy me too blogger it's 4am give a girl a break

00.17am

Have been such a bad blogger but only because my days end so late and starts so early
Had such a lovely two days
Made specs finally hahahaha yup I still cant find my misplaced one and ended up buying the same frame again so hopefully it's ready for collection soonest
Today helped ele and her friends with their shoot which is so funny
Will update again with details
In the meanwhile,
Happy birthday along the apple!!! ♡

01.43am

My brain says Shampoo condition and clay mask tonight
My body says No thanks i dont feel like moving
Had a wonderful day today

+==edit==+
16.23pm

Me: claims she already knows when her period is coming because she get inexplicably exhausted
Also me: why have i been waking up so tired the past 3 days this makes no sense

01.02am

Oh oof
Had a lovely two days
Went to science centre yesterday from 10am (aka 11am cause of lateness) to 5pm, ate oxtail soup and satay, and watched dinosaurs in antarctica at the omnitheatre
I love science centre!!!!!!!
Today was supposed to be beach day with doya but we somehow (unsurprisingly) ended up getting out our score and piano for Somewhere over the rainbow and sang that one song and fixing notes instead of going out hahaahahaha such on brand characters
I missed singing, i missed qistileilamargobosko and just the whole house hahahaha aka rehearsearl ground
Happy 12th birthday chiqatito petite
This also means it's been 12 years since 2009 which makes no sense to me it has been 12 years since I started sec 1
Bluek

+==edit==+
02.47am

Why is instagram such an unreliable social media
One of my stories from June had been removed for going against guidelines, for "facilitate(ing) or organize(ing) activities that is likely to cause harm to others"
It is a screenshot of my supervisor asking me to go back to the office twice a week
Yes i agree it is harmful and yes it is quite funny but at the risk of my account being suspended??!!
I hate u instagram lol

+==edit==+
05.11am

Eyes so tired
But eyes also refuse to shut
So what u want me to do about it sista choose one can or not

03.58am

Should be asleep but cant even
I just watched flynn tell duncan "i dont touch spiders" three times and duncan says " i know" like a BIG BROTHER u are a baby duncan even though you have 2 younger brothers u are always baby in my eyes i love u n im not crying tears of awwness

21.36pm

Atok, to think that right now we no longer have your physical body in this realm is overwhelming.
I hope you're at peace now

I had a lovely day with yollie
We cycled, walked a lot as usual, ate and watched Venom (time passer, very noisy movie, forgettable but entertained me so I didnt mind it)
Thank god for sisterhood

Excited for tomorrow I have been so patient

03.13am

Actually slept the past almost 3 hours
Now I feel like eating samyang
I actually was having a good day yesterday
Finished work, went to sentosa to bring chiqa for luge and skyride
Our first time on the new, shorter heighted skyride and chiqa's first time on luge (aka she told me first round must go slowly cause her first time but she ended up zooming past me and winning the race)
We did 3 rounds! Somehow it was tiring having to complete everything within the hour even though we are seated on both the rides so idk where the tiredness comes from
Me the human who never bought attraction photos before bought it today since I told myself chiqo could get anything she wanted (it's her surviving PSLE gift)
Bummer that a lot of attractions are only open on friday and weekends so we couldnt do more
Then headed to vivo to meet mama for grocery shopping and ended up carrying so many plastic bags
Aka me saying how the family must be thankful I called chiqa Big show growing up cause now she's the strongest in the family (she carried 2x large detergent and cooking oil in 1 hand, non stop!!!)
Haha ok bye

+==edit==+
12.13pm

Just saw a message that mak ngah saw nenek crying
None of us ever saw nenek cry, ever.
This is heartbreaking

+==edit==+
19.22pm

Only good thing about funerals, the reunion of families. But no, i'd rather not
Thank Allah we're all placed in good health that we could come pay our last respects
I dont know if we'll be allowed to view atok but honestly I dont know if im capable of doing it

+==edit==+
22.48pm

If we could, we wouldve stayed there as long as possible- I really didnt want to leave so fast but the place was closing
Atok, the atmosphere was so lighthearted like it always has been with you around
I thought I wouldnt cry but seeing your photo was enough to break all our hearts
Your coffin was sealed because you were a covid patient, so we didnt get to see you except in photos
So many fond memories of you were shared by everyone, including how you always won in blackjack (well you also taught us how to cheat- hide the Ace card!)
How you would be annoyed when people are rowdy and loud, except if they were your grandkids (we have special privilege hehe, you tolerated our noise and we are NOISY)
We all have our regrets, most of which was how we failed to spend time with you more often the past few years.
You've always been the one taking care of others
Tonight we found out you have a younger brother who looks exactly like you! He's a lot shorter, though, but the face, especially with the mask on and side profile- it's like seeing you in front of us
We found out you were indeed getting better! And you had a few close calls but you kept fighting, for 23 days.
I'm so so happy you got to hear nenek's voice on the phone. Apparently, one of the video calls session last friday, nenek called your name and you teared up hearing her voice. I wonder if you were thinking about the family, whether we remember you
We wished we could be there for you
We know you miss us all as much as we miss you
I hope you felt our company and love tonight atok even though it was just for a few hours
You brought our families closer together
My heart will forever have a special place for you atok.
I love you, thank you for everything! ♡

+==edit==+
23.14pm

Happy 6th months old baby alfie D;
It's not ok that I only saw you three times ever

Dreadful. For my beloved grandfather (23.15pm)

The day switched from lovely to bitter with just a text message
My beloved grandpa has passed exactly 5 hours ago, and yes, it was the darned COVID.
I was at vivo, grocery shopping, didnt have time to process it, not even now,
Not for a while, I think.
But let me just pour out words that feels right.
The first thing I thought of when the news first broke that you were in ICU due to covid, and had 5% chance of survival, was I want to see you.
I wanted you to be surrounded by us who loves you but barely made time for you, especially the past 3 years when you had to move to a nursing home.
I wanted to see you cry tears of joy once again, seeing all your grandchildren (and this time round, one great grandson too)
I saw the photo of you in a casket- how unrecognizable you were.
How heartbreaking that the wound on your hand from the day you fell those years ago still looked fresh
Your transition from strong, lively fella to a weaker, helpless one felt like overnight.
1 fall was all it took to change the you we knew and loved our whole life
I saw your frustration over the loss of your independence when you stopped being able to do things for yourself
I know you were unhappy feeling helpless and being treated like you're incapable of anything
We've never seen you cry but that's the only thing you could do when the whole family surprised you on your birthday (honestly, probably the wrong birthday, but youve never corrected us)- you burst into tears of joy and enjoyed being fed cake by all of us
I love you, atok.
Thank you for being the kindest, most loving.
You cared for us and gave us the best memories growing up with your magic tricks (how we took so long to figure out your trick to remove your 2 front teeth is because of dentures)
Your expertise at card tricks!!!
I remember the first time I found out your full name, it was on a letter you got, and I remembered from that day on
I would always be the most excited whenever you and nenek came over to our house, because you both rarely go out anyways
We'd always drag you to along and anga's room and make you entertain our antics
How you doted on chiqa the most
Calling her terrible when she refuses to salam you and nenek when she was in her terrible twos phase
And playing along when she, in return, called you 'jellybird', her attempt at copying you
I still use that term today
You were always on the same seat directly in front of the tv, it has always felt empty since you moved out and it always feels wrong to see anyone but you occupy it (well, until nenek changed the sofas)
Rest in peace, atok, whatever faith you had, I saw it for myself how devout you were.
You've never left the home without your long prayers standing infront of the door
I have missed you for the past three years, and now forevermore.
Thank you for lending your sunshine to the family.
Now you get to be free and strong like you have always been.
We love you.
I wished we could be surrounding you and bid our farewells and show you our limitless loves.
You would have been the best great grandpa for all our kids, calling them terrible when they misbehave in that playful tone I still hear ringing in my head
I'll make sure mine knows about what a wonderful, kind soul you were.
Some deeds only we know and hold close to us.
Rest easy, our atok anton. ♡

Antonio Sebastian Joao
6th November 1945-12th October 2021

p.s. remember that one post where I shared having an existential crisis about atok's birthday, cause i've always remembered it being 6th november but his IC says 6th December? I hate to say I finally got my confirmation today, and it's because of his passing

p.p.s MAJOR PLOT TWIST. His birthday is 6th November, apparently the date on his IC was printed wrongly. Oh my. No wonder atok said we were right whenever we celebrated him in november

00.30am

Just spent the whole day being BORED and uneventful I have no friends lol even if I do they are all occupied with their own things so means I dont have friends anyway

+==edit==+
11.18am

Fell asleep an hour before my bedtime and woke up 2 hours earlier than usual
May today be a better day I will make it so

03.43am

At this point my fav vloggers are simply pampering us with baby content
Leah, Luke, Duncan, Teddy, Flynn
Im happy everytime they post

+==edit==+
04.28am

Miss hmx
Miss e.a.r.l

+==edit==+
13.55pm

My bedtime has been I say 7am-1pm but it's more like Almost 8am-Almost 2pm wew hehe but it cool i guess

01.52am

My current contact lenses (moondust series from freshkon) is so comfy i almost went to sleep twice wearing it
Usually when I wind down or lie down to use my phone, I always remove my contacts first
But twice I caught myself halfway using phone and was like Wait are my contacts in then I look around the room and realise it's HD
Hahahaha ok good I guess
I ate more eggplant today than I have my whole life so thats cool I guess
Excited for self created adventures

20.20pm

Yes, being heartless is sometimes useful

09.10am

00.24am

Call it being at peace, I have been feeling light and airy the past few days
I feel like light, like I radiate life
I feel unstoppable and unbothered,
Content and happy.
This is a beautiful pause in my soul before I pursue more things that makes me feel
I love this feeling, and I hope it comes visit more often
But I also know I have to keep leaving it in order for it to keep finding me

Also I just woke up from an almost 2 hours nap
Wow tis the new sleep schedule I guess and also im hungry faster (even though i still end up eating only dinner like I ignore my hunger out of pure laziness) so new eating schedule too

+==edit==+
16.47pm

So done with singapore's way of handling covid currently
And no I dont have solutions there's a reason im not a person in charge

09.20am

Im surprised im up already considering WHAT TIME my body let me fall asleep
I miss hmx

+==edit==+
17.33pm

In 2 days I saw 2 9 year old looking children jogging around the neighbourhood alone
What discipline what lifestyle I applaud

+==edit==+
19.19pm

Going out with mama means my hands AND legs pain
Hands cus i just carried 2 coconuts ouchie
Legs cus she walks SO FAST
Go back crash

05.39am

Whatsapp down is obviously problematic cause main source of communication
Fb down is terrible cause 2nd main source of phonentertainment (youtube is first)
Insta down is bad just because i usually visual blog there
All in all, fIx yOselF!!! I miss fb already

+==edit==+
23.35pm

I miss science centre

02.51am

Hearing Matahariku on the radio makes me miss karaoke places
Fever is reduced and I slept for the past almost 4 hours
Thinking about how i'd have to go out for wifi later today which I have been able to avoid
Dont even feel like being in public eugh but maybe I could just find a secluded area in life and do work quickly and leave

+==edit==+
11.17am

A miracle!
Woke up with fixed wifi
:')

+==edit==+
13.27am

Anyways my vertigo is 98% gone!
I only feel the lightheadedness when sudden movements or like very specific positions
Cant wait till it's 110% gone and I can do gymnastics again (ive never done gymnastics)

03.29am

Eugh I am so uncomfortable
Hot and cold like the air is chilly but also humid and my body doesnt know which side to accept
Wifi is still down zz and 4g depletes my battery and makes my phone hot bleh
Watching colleen and judy's vlogs to cheer myself up and they work of course
Now if only the Ballingers would post too hehehee

+==edit==+
03.49am

Guess what youtube notification I just got 2 mins ago
Ballingers uploaded a new vlog
:')
I am happiness
(despite having to switch the fan on and off and putting on a blanket and taking it off three thousand times)

+==edit==+
04.04am

If that wasnt the cutest most precious vlog T.T
Thks now I feel empty again hehahaha ok drama
Luke is doing so good and I love seeing him love his Teddy
Also dont get me wrong im probably tired and able to fall asleep any second if I were comfortable at all

08.09am

Yeah this new agenda is incompatible with current sleep schedule
Gotta be somewhere by 9 but I only fell asleep 2 hours ago but I was sleeping well and even woke up before my alarm
It is freezing cold and i'll be in aircon for 5 hours
How even but it's okay let's keep an open mind

+==edit==+
19.22pm

Cant even say im exhausted cause social interaction wakes me up
But i am exhausted
Fever from being in cold places the whole day
My feet hurt and wrist tired, soul drained from being someone i'm not
But I survived
Now I can lepak

Merry October (05.56am)

I am ready to try and fall asleep
But I have work to do
Aka why havent I done it yet
Im just gonna quickly do it and go to bed but zzzz

+==edit==+
08.28am

Lol feels like the past few blogs were just me complaining
One more complain can
My eyes are so DRY
I be doing work the past 2 hours like Just a bit more before I can rest you
But lol I got a bit more work to catch up on for today i'll really have to go out to get wifi it eats up my 4g quite a bit so that is not sustainable
But for now im tired and hot and cold and the weather just doesnt work well with my body idk how many times I have switched my fan off and on