03.36am

In my desperation, right after the previous post, I begged Him to grant me the gift of sleep, as impossible as it might have seemed at that time- just so the night wont feel so long
Alhamdulillah, not only did I get 3 hours of sleep, I also had my first dream after weeks
Here's to a beautiful day filled with healing, light and forgiveness

+==edit==+
22.59pm

Fell asleep right after posting a video, and I woke up regretting I posted it
Havent eaten the whole day and dont feel like talking to anyone
Goodnight again world.

06.48am

Ugh. Spent the last hour or so watching old hmx videos
I miss choreo rehearsal fixing sounds so much
Especially working towards an event
I miss gigs no matter how weird the setting is
!!!!
People quit bands to go solo singing
I quit my solo singing to sing in a band
Hahahahh

+==edit==+
07.58am

Deathly hallows were literally the movies I went to the cinema for but I wasnt in tuned with all the background movements because didnt follow properly (except dobby's death that still hits hard, knowledgable or not- worse now)
One expecto patronum scene later I was like WHAT who's that the patronus so strong
And then it was revealed to be Aberforth!!!
I had goosebumps the whole time dang it
Also im not even sleepy
Wtheckie

+==edit==+
23.15pm

Spent the whole day in bed
Dont know how im gonna survive tonight I feel like I have exhausted all entertainment measures
I hate this I want to go out

+==edit==+
23.35pm

My favourite pasttime the past week seem to be crying
Im surprised my eyes arent eyes anymore
Also how much tears do i contain i dont even drink water

03.11am

You know what makes me feel better?
Knowing that im the same person through and through
When I stumble upon old words of mine, somehow I know what to say to myself in the future (present?)
It comforts me that no matter who comes, goes, and doesnt believe me,
My words stand true

+==edit==+
06.46am

Cant tell if I cant sleep or Unwilling to sleep
I think 85% unwilling 15% know even if i try i wont be able to
Whatever
Dont feel like reading tonight though
Escape room or youtube finally getting some attention from me

+==edit==+
18.12pm

HOW did I never realise bill said Mad eye's dead
I was just telling myself how precious he has been in the order
MY HEART!!!

+==edit==+
18.42pm

Dobby and kreacher tagteaming against mundungus is everything

+==edit==+
20.23pm

Crying again. Feeling so alone and the azan started playing on the radio
I dont believe in coincidences
Thank you Allah

02.28am

Particularly difficult night thus far
May it get better

+==edit==+
04.12am

In the time of 2 hours I have cried, craved chicken rice and now would do anything to eat prata
Hormones are FUNNY

+==edit==+
23.55pm

Almost started a new day's post, how ive lost sense of time
Ive never wanted anyone to be there for me when im hurting
And after this experience, I never want it again, anymore.
Dont mistake this as lack of trust and courage,
It's just my person
I'd rather face the world this way

01.17am

I did it, I finished the book!
And wew
Love the weasley twins extra now
The rebellion reminds me of myself
Im so glad harry gave them that 1000 galleons

+==edit==+
06.46am

Do I even try to sleep anymore

+==edit==+
17.10pm

My body is so confused due to my emotions I think hahaha this is why I used to not have feelings
I should go back to that phase in life
Except everyone will be asking me literally "dont you have emotions" lolol
Finished park escape fully for the third time
Excited for later!!!
Cant believe it's taken THIS LONG

+==edit==+
23.22pm

That was such a good distraction from my emotions
Firstly meeting stylo (ok, O wasnt there but)
But even more, finally meeting Lut Alfie our first stylo junior :')
He is so cute i can scream!!!!
Cant wait to see more of him
Also starting on half blood prince tonight
Mixed feeling cause 2nd last book this is why i dont do serieses hate the goodbyes Hsm broke me early

01.42am

Suddenly triggered at the fact that I got C6 for my O levels Lit- ive been getting As throughout but because I fell asleep during the paper... HAHAHA
But oh well I redeemed myself during A levels
But STILL
Pfft my language subjects are impeccable okay

+==edit==+
04.01am

Ive been rewatching the movie RIGHT after I finish reading the book, but order of the phoenix is too long I could not wait so I watched it
And now I regret it IT MADE ME SAD
How dare everything and everyone
But also so many moments mean so much more now that I get proper backstory, and the whole movie just give me chills
Like Neville being super gryffindor
Ginny's powerful reducto (I havent read this part yet so idk if it's movie or book but damn the 2 scenes just ugh)
FRED AND GEORGE RUINING THE O.W.Ls mean so much to me because SAME! It's totally something I see myself doing cus I hate authority (dont @ me i can accept if they do necessary things but when they are unreasonable? Nahhh mate you dont exist to me)
Snape telling potter the lesson's objective so clearly even I feel like I could master occlumency
Also him 'running out' of veritaserum and explicitly saying it was last used on Cho and his "NO IDEA" when umbridge was trying to get information about harry's dream aka fake vision planted by baldy voldy
Screams
But also I hate unnecessary romance so much (coughs Cho and Harry coughs) in an already amazing book (OR MOVIE EVEN!!!) like Cut those parts out and tell me more about other things
But yes I just never liked Cho hahahaha I know her backstory and blabla but meh. Unnecessary. Harry pls have better taste (ok fine he's lucky ginny accepted him)
Also I hate james so much??? Lol what a bully i know people say it was his youth and he grew out of it and became a proper adult but like. Trash. Lucky we love the marauders but yall's bully behaviours are big nah
I was shook harry tried to crucio bellatrix but im also so happy he failed because thats what differs him from voldy- that he couldnt mean to hurt even to avenge
Wait there was someone else I hate so much but I cant seem to remember who hahaha or was it another non-hp thing I watched oops ok edit later
Ok I shall stop sounding like a nerd
NOT

+==edit==+
14.55pm

I woke up at 9am
And then 10am
Dreading work so much so I just went back to sleep
And I just went on fb and MERLY reminded me it is a public holiday :') (aka August the new merlion boy)
Bless
Thanks

+==edit==+
18.01pm

South korea is going maskless
GoALS but for now sure stay protected we are too small of a nation

01.35am

Prisoner of azkaban is a masterpiece
Speaking of prison
Did my 2nd escape room in 5 days today lollll
It was so fun and town was so dead but not quiet enough to be creepy there were some humans
It was easier than the previous one I did with Yol, we even accidentally shortcutted and the girl had to call us to tell us we skipped a few steps lol so she relocked the room and we started over
We were the only people there I feel so bad for the worker being alone but I guess she'll find it peaceful lol
Then we roamed around awhile before being tired of walking and going back home
The touchless lift button at somerset is so cool
I should. Do. Some. Work. Today.
Sighs
I also ate maggi for the last 3 meals
Nice

+==edit==+
06.55am

Spent the past hour or two playing park escape for the Third time (excluding the 2 times I started and then abandoned it again)
Im awaiting another escape room app as well done as that one!!!
I forgot im a working human
Oops

+==edit==+
07.08am

My body is hurting exceptionally much tonight, literally cannot get comfortable
That only means one thing!
I realise my symptoms changes from being emotional (sad emotional) or just body aching/extra extra tired
And it's thankfully never both at once
I think ive been emotional enough the past few weeks so even my hormones are like Nah mate here's some physical pain for you
Ok thanks

+==edit==+
17.07pm

Snape is something else
If my ex crush marries a person who bullied me I would yeet from their lives but Snape is MVP protecting their son and all
How can he love lily so much even as a KID!!!! Unrealistic!!! Boys arent like that
sorry harry your real dad is (thumbs down) compared to this crazy man

But also, the edit above is false news
My period is not here lolll ok good I guess

+==edit==+
22.43pm

I find it so funny that people refer to him as Lord voldemort (especially when harry says it) like it's such a misplaced term of respect lolll of course I assume he only says that to people who dont take things seriously
I wouldve just called him baldy voldy

02.58am

I am so brutal in rating movies because to me EVERYTHING matters- script, acting, direction, cinematography (ironically I dont take notice of soundtrack as much, BUT it is obvious when is mismatches- actually no, it's obvious when it's Perfectly suited- like the choral sounds in The Nun ew gave me the chills for days afterwards)
So when I watch movies and rate them so low it's because NOT ONLY do they not meet these basic criteria, they're not even feel-good
Which is a major point for me to forgive the movie
Why am I saying this now it's because I just saw a video of Harry potter best unscripted moments and I cant fathom how perfect the casting were
Like out of so many actors in the world they somehow stumbled upon the BEST for the role
Like even narcissa was supposed to play bellatrix but didnt because of pregnancy (which i dont doubt she could, but like WHO else can play her seemingly subdued role)
Freakin lucius malfoy i cant imagine anyone else playing him even while reading the books I only see him in my head
Ok I sound like a potterhead I dont think i am lol idk
Randomly had outings today, somehow still adhered to the current laws of 2 places 2 people
Brought chiqa to the bookshop for more enid blyton books, and then we went home for a reading break (I started on Order of the phoenix!!)
And then left home again at night for Super park
Literally noone else was there so we had the whole place to ourselves (until a couple and their baby joined us hehe but they were at the other floor most of the time)
It just reminded me that without rehearsal, I have Zero stamina.
Walked a bit before going mini grocery shopping but it was so funny cause we were both so exhausted and our legs were dying from the activities but yay we did it
Craved samyang for whatever random reason so I ate it before continuing the book
Almost halfway there and im glad im reading it NOW and not while it was being published I dont think I can stand the wait for the next issue lol
Ok bye I wonder if I will do work

ps DID I NOT TELL YOU MY SECOND BABY NEPHEW WAS BORN 2 DAYS AGO (ok 3 days, in 3 hours time) :(

+==edit==+
05.00am

Stopped keeping track of my bedtime
Im lucky to even fall asleep at all, with this state of being

03.22am

Not mentally ready to start on Order of the pheonix, the longest HP book- more than a hundred more than the previous one (which is also the second longest)
But I have to know what happens NEXT
(not that we dont all already know)
Goblet of fire movie was so shortcutted compared to the book- now I know it's quite a curse for the book readers to watch the movie
I enjoy both mediums regardless- the book does clear up A LOT of seemingly unexplained and unnecessary scenes (like what was harry stumbling upon barty crouch petrified leading to- NOTHING) (or maybe there was a continuation in the extended scenes, idk)
But also from the book's description of the Quidditch world cup boy was it disappointing to not see the entire scene in the movie
Didnt even get to see winky the house elf
K bye im eyeing the next book but...
I was left home alone the whole night, so I spent 4 hours straight reading in the living room from 7pm-12am

+==edit==+
17.48pm

Ive always known, but sometimes I need to be reminded that the best cure for my mellow heart is to make other people happy.
Insyaallah

15.35pm

Ive been so lethargic the past two days despite proper houred sleep
I love rule followers because of them I can break rules less guiltily hahahahahaha hahahah
But really though since society crumbles if everyone fails to follow the law
Let me be the sole law breaker
(Im saying like im breaking so many laws but no lol i can be a law abiding citizen when i want to)

+==edit==+
17.42pm

Either I have no friends or the universe is forcing me to stay home and stare at the walls again
I think it's both

+==edit==+
21.14pm

I believe in fate and miracles,
I believe good intentions dont go unacknowledged
I believe the good you put out to the universe returns doubly,
And I believe any hurt poured out onto it is healed instantly

02.04am

Just finished reading Chamber of secrets
Cant help replaying the movie scenes in my head (i think it's my most watched HP movie)
Got shook at some missing scenes in the movie, like the gnome clearing at the weasleys, and how dobby was On top of a cupboard while levitating the pudding
Hahah ok not a nerd
Somehow managed to do some work today
Havent been anywhere close to productive the past two weeks
Hais.

+==edit==+
02.09am

Just got reminded by fb that this exact time 4 years ago, I was climbing mount ijen
Freezing and without any visual aids- was neither wearing my contacts nor specs
And enjoying the beautiful sky FILLED with stars
We wouldve been almost halfway up, I think
Want to do that again in a heartbeat

+==edit==+
04.54am

The lack of peace within me is showing hahah so yes I need peace and positivity
Aka didnt I only fall asleep an hour or 2 ago why am I up

+==edit==+
19.15pm

Not lucius malfoy avadaing 12 year old potter
But also, oh no wait I forgot what I was going to say
Oh ya
My personality trait is Not accepting Sry and Thanks as sincere messages lolll
If anyone sent that to me I read it in a half assed manner
I know not everyone mean it that way but my brain auto reads them as such
Actually even in real life lol like if I say Thanks it doesnt reach the capacity of Thank you
So yes if you say thanks to me I do take mini offences lolll jk but not really
Worse if you type Sry instead of Sorry. Those 2 extra letters too hard for you???????? K bye

+==edit==+
20.56pm

've been zoning out a lot the past two weeks
Just anytime im alone i find myself staring into open air unsure what to think or feel except keep still enough to experience the beating of my hurting heart
I hope to be ok soon

01.02am

Alhamdulillah for today
Always adventures with bestoe while our nelly is busy while eatgo is literally awaiting labour
Went to yol's place and had lunch, and then we went mini golfing (both our first times we suddenly had the mood to # Try new things) and it was so fun we got hidden talent I think hehehe
I even got a golden ball and challenged a staff member there
Then we sat by the Singapore river to eat dessert before heading to play an Escape room
We spent the first half an hour trying to call for assistance until I actually left the room to ask and then they realised they didnt switch our room assistance button On.
So if we counted that, bruh we finished it on time and with 2 hints so yes im proud for us Too-Out-Of-The-Box thinkers but also it was scary being in there just two of us and the terracotta statues lol
Definitely wanna do that again
Then we went book shopping!
I bought like... 14 books
Actually 5 are harry potter books lolll wouldve bought all 7 but they didnt have philosopher's stone and prizoner of azkaban
Then went back to her place for family bonding and us thinking it was gonna be a sleepover but I suddenly realise we both have work today boooo
Ok my eyes are tired
Happy birthday once again bro ♡

+==edit==+
11.40am

When my body clock wakes me up at 6am which is correctly after about 4 hours of sleep but I realise im only up to do *work* so I just Noped and went back to sleep even though I wasnt tired anymore

00.40am

Happy birthday to three sunshines of my life; khali, yol and titi
How is demi so beautiful and talented

+==edit==+
07.42am

Im not even joking my body is the rebellest rebel that has ever been
In the past two weeks of wfhing, I have never NEVER no matter how early I sleep wake up this early
Today im literally on leave and set my alarm for like 9.53am and I fell asleep 3 hours ago so why am I awake now feeling so ready to face the world lolllll
I see you subconscious
Exciting day ahead, may He protect us always

00.41am

Feeling extra lonely today
Would not want to blog about my emotions but if not here then where :')
Feeling underwhelmed- the raya cover was supposed to be our first big project this year but I failed to do the simplest task that is to Sing lol literally had one (ok two, video editing took a lot too) job
I hope this feeling passes soon
I hope this wont feel like a long night
Best case scenario is I just fall asleep somehow
Or I find something interesting enough to hold my attention for more than 2 minutes
We'll see

+==edit==+
03.42am

Was about to fall asleep thus exiting youtube when I saw Colleen's pregnancy announcement and it woke me back up
:')

+==edit==+
20.14pm

I keep this feeling in a jar by my bedside, and bring it everywhere I go- against my will I think so
When it's time to face anyone, I close the lid tight, careful not to let it leak out
Any time I am left alone with my thoughts, though, I get careless and knock the lid over
Or did I open it myself without thinking?
Who knows
Funny how much words heal me,
As much as music heals others
Words just have a way and as aware as I am that writing Always makes me feel better,
I doubt it Always.
But then I read something and it resonates so deep within me and I feel like everything is okay
Interesting, that words are so healing,
Is it partly because when you read words,
It's your own voice saying these things to yourself?
Or do I just comprehend information via words that much better
Which is why until now, I still cannot bring myself to listen to sad songs
I know those words will hurt and not help
Instead I turn to comforting words
Words that makes all these seem... insignificant
Which ironically, is the ridiculous truth that makes me feel better.
The way out of the infinite possibilities the 26 letters of our alphabets could have been pieced together, but the universe always knows which combination to show me when I need it most.
It's magical

"So don't be frightened, dear friend, if a sadness confronts you larger than any you have ever known, casting its shadow all over all you do. You must think that something is happening within you, and remember that life has not forgotten you; it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why would you want to exclude from your life any uneasiness, any pain, any depression, since you don't know what work they are accomplishing within you?"
- rainer maria rilke, Letters to a young poet

(I typed that myself, yay)

02.51am

May today be better

01.06am

Me posting the trailer is forcing me to finish my task
I guess im almost done, but it took so much lol
Literally went three houses for raya (no thanks protocol) and I brought my laptop and charger to all three houses
Can't decide if I should finish all up right now and wake up just to post
Or rest first- but what if yesterday happens again I wake up and then was too tired I just went back to sleep
Hm.
We'll see

+==edit==+
11.29am

Woke up before my alarm at 9.30 but did nothing until now
:')
How

+==edit==+
14.42pm

Hungry,
Unhappy with my own work
Whats new
Perpetual state of existing
Bye world I shall shut down for a bit

+==edit==+
15.16pm

I would have loved to play snape in the movie

+==edit==+
18.35pm

I, in fact, did not shut down
Im still in the raya mood so anyone pls invite me over I promise to help eat your kuihs and take OOTDs at your beautifully (NOT WASTED!!) furnished homes
Also I cannot bring myself to promote the video because I hate how I sound lololol but at the same time I dont want to be attention seeking and make excuses so I shall just suck it up but also if it's up to me THIS DOES NOT PASS my QC
Bluek @ me great job @ e.a.r.l

+==edit==+
22.11pm

I love likeminded people and I love endless trust
Because of that we progress and get the best results we're both happy with

08.55am

Set an alarm for 8.30am just so I can finish the raya video
Literally third day of raya and im not even done
Hah excellent job
No but really I know some days have been tough and I only manage to edit 2 seconds each time but cumulated I managed to get this far
We'll see if I succeed, i'll try

+==edit==+
15.02pm

Failed yet again.
The joy i feel seeing photos I took for people being used as their profile pictures
What honour

00.26am

Although I somehow managed to not be productive again (depends, is editing 2 seconds at a time considered okay, yes it is) I had a beautiful day
Had to ditch editing twice to cater to my henna customers needs lol
Um
Was fed lots of amazing food I wished I can share it with everyone
Oh no I forgot to taste the bangkit cheese from nenek's house
It feels so weird to just go to one house but eh raya is one month hehe
Settled down, resting awhile before going back to editing
Alhamdulillah for today
I got loads of duit raya hehehe my favourite part time job
Okay, my eyes are very dry
I feel like eating sweet things like kuih or something

+==edit==+
13.45pm

Everytime I realise I have any kind of work to do I just lie down and dont do it (i typed dont't)
The phase 2 (heightened) announcement was just made and im equally bummed but agree that it's necessary so alhamdulillah for this protection ya allah.
But also I hope govt feels GUILTY for doing this to us lol open border some more valid reason but still causing the nation to be in pain once more
We were supposed to be okay im disappointed but if Allah wills it he wills it I will redha.
Im bored already but okay stay home edit videos
We'll get through this, insyallah it will get better

01.20am

Funny how a good conversation can change the mood
But still, ya allah I dont have the strength to finish my tasks
Neither recording my solo nor editing the videos
Im not going to push myself though
Going to rest for a bit and either feel energized or guilty enough to finish the tasks
But for now,
I need peace

ps the thought of being able to see lut alfie soon makes me so happy

00.01am

Yet another day of pushing myself to no avail
Did nothing today besides breathe and think
Maybe sometimes that's okay.
Only problem is I have a deadline to catch... tonight.
I'm trying I promise.

Extremely sad that it's the last day of Ramadan today.
May He accept all our deeds no matter how small
Beautiful that the rain is falling tonight, while it's raining is one of the times our prayers are accepted insyallah
Allah thank you for giving us a chance to experience ramadan this year, let this not be our last.
Ease our affairs in this world and hereafter.
Grant to us your grace, protection and blessings.
Grant us patience and kindness, and strength of heart and iman
I pray for nothing but peace for all of my fellow muslims around the world, ease our struggles big or small.
Amin.

+==edit==+
20.49pm

Why do I suddenly have so many things to do
I dont want to do any
Selamat hari raya aidilfitri maaf zahir batin
I am a person who chooses to live with her heart
Life is too fleeting to hold back
Ultimately everything is meaningless

02.31am

Just how can I get anything done?

06.52am

Fourth day in a row failed to wake up for sahur
Hais.

02.43am

Astagfirullagh.
Had a terrible night, I wouldnt wish it upon my biggest enemy
The feeling of loving in pain
I know this is a challenge by Him for me to get closer to Him insyaallah
I am wiser than this, I am stronger than this
As much as my heart is whimpering and showing off its millions of scars right now,
My faith is louder
It is louder and stronger
It says I will be okay even though I know I just KNOW I will falter
My faith says it will all be fine.
My heart can cry by itself away from us
I can't take pain anymore

+==edit==+
03.50am

Who decides what's right and wrong?
Why is your right more valid than mine?
Who said so?

03.33am

An extremely mixed feelinged day, but insyaallah it is all good now
Bought raya clothes, had awwcappella rehearsal and fed a cat with my hands it was so ticklish!!!
Torturing myself with a glass of iced water before napping

05.39am

Whoa woke up at 5.30 and ran to eat 1 kurma and finished a cup of coffee fastest ive ever done
But alhamdulillah at least I get to sahur

06.13am

Why social media always have the stupidest updates noone ever asked or wished for
-_-

+==edit==+
22.03pm

Im productive for 1 O n e hour today
Bleh

06.02am

Im annoyed that im still going into the office today!!! >:(

+==edit==+
17.40pm

What hidden exhaustion is this

06.12am

Hi yes employer we work in nus why are we still going on campus pls make us WFH I WANT TO RAYA

+==edit==+
09.15am

Crying at work is good it is hydrating my dry eyes

06.18am

How do i manage to wake up more tired after sleeping the whole day
Hais.
Hello third week of work

+==edit==+
09.47am

Not tokti's voice making me tear up at work!!!
Why u so amazing we can never comprehend

+==edit==+
12.32pm

Me: needs food
Also me looking at food: but do i really
Me in the end: does not get food

+==edit==+
17.22pm

What are the odds,
Took a random bus and the man behind me is playing a rko compilation out loud hahah

+==edit==+
18.28pm

You know im not ok when i willingly throw myself amongst crowd like right now

19.49pm

What was supposed to be a productive day turned into nothing
Oh well
Had a really fun and productive day yesterday, and I even napped three times- each while 3 people were recording their parts
By the time it was my turn it was 2? am and my body was exhausted and I couldnt sing so we decided to postpone to today
But then right after VPian recorded (and I napped again) and doya just packed the mics, I suddenly found strength to sing
So yes thats the story of trust and miracle because I managed to record my solo (no idea how decent it is) between 3-4am this morning :')
All while standing like im waiting for the bus ahahahaha but yes thank u for being patient all
Was going to do more arrangement and editing today and the weather looked so good from what I can see (my curtains are black so not really) but I ended up just napping the whole afternoon after missing a lunch meeting
Look how productive I am on the weekend compared to weekdays loll just tired unnecessarily
But also yes for now it's the 9-5 that pays the bill, and what happens after is building my empire
Insyaallah!

Merry May (05.06am)

How did I manage to wake up even tireder
Also how angry I am at the government we did so well and then borders prematurely opened IM ANGRY and I know millions of us are too this is the one real time I can actually blame the govt stats dont lie
"We can only beat this if we all do our part" then u anyhow add more risks
Im annoyed and upset that this was totally evitable, just needed a bit more time but whatever Important reason people just kept flooding in and despite the CONSTANT number of imported cases masih ah continue tktau nk stop

+==edit==+
05.28am

Alhamdulillah for food, currently struggling to fit sahur into my tummy because my body havent digest my buka last night because I hibernated afterwards
If anyone's eyes see this, I hope you take it as a sign to go do something nice for someone no matter how small