11.59am

Emotionally and mentally exhausted but fulfilled

I wonder how long it'll take to recover, hopefully by this afternoon

A break today

Got some last minute shoots next week amidst the gigs and meetups

Alhamdulillah for everything

Now to tell my system that we're ok

Heavy scenes are done

Dont need to think about it anymore 

Maybe I just need a cake

Which I have TWO of in my fridge so yay

19.04pm

Love hate relationship with my algorithm right now

Every caption I read every video I watch is breaking my heart a little bit more

But I love love love seeing cena on my screen

My heart is not okay 

I knew it'd hurt a lot, but it's hurting a lot more than I thought it would

</3

+==edit==+

23.02pm

Okay I cant take it

Every post is taking a toll on me emotionally 

I shall give myself grace and avoid socmed

Also reminder to myself to always be grateful in every stage of my career 

There's something special about the bubbling phase

About uncertainties and blind risk takings

May I remain courageous and true to myself always

06.46am

Waking up every hour because im forcing myself to sleep before I need to hahaha

Also very... (insert a silly, less negative version of the word disappointed here) in myself for pushing my voice- normally im so good about getting vocal rest before I even need it but the past few days ive been pushing for no reason aka the reason is work but still

Anyway 3 more gigs to conquer this weekend but it's 99% xmas songs which is the worst for my vocal cords (all very high ahahaha)

Im gonna wear a sign around my neck that says ON VOCAL REST so I dont have to talk to anybody before and after singing

Ok bye sadly sipping on water cus I have no alternative currently 

Surprised i even have a bottle of water it's a miracle

Anyway my taste buds are unhappy right now hahahah issok sacrifices of an artiste 

12.58pm

Doing life for myself is generally easy, I want to do something, I do it

If I don't then I don't

And then I leave the rest to Him

Sometimes things are outside of my hands and of course I'll have to just let go and let god

Did not expect another one of this to appear in the thick of the season where I make things happen

Only ask for our affairs to be eased

He knows best 

01.32am

Stood a lot of today because carolling season is here

Also just nice my period also came

So this body ache is doubled

Gotta get up in 7 hours

Sleeeeeep pls bo!

13.29pm

You call it overbooking I call it preparing for the lull early year where there are not many shoots and events

I am wiser now 

Hahaha

Bismillah for this month, I'll be working 17 days straight tomorrow onwards and will finally get a one day off on 23rd December

Most of all I am grateful for all the job opportunities

Truly setting the tone for the next year that I am so capable and opportunities are always there and I just got to be ready to grab it

Bismillah

Also stupid youtube AI said dharmann is my 2nd most watched channel that is untrue and embarrassing

01.37am

For real this dream chasing battle is me vs me

Ultimately the only thing stopping myself is me

Either way i'll win

22.20pm

I thought it is 2am

Hahahaha 

08.54am

I was so exhausted last night after my shoot

Like couldnt open my eyes exhausted

But somehow with the power of coffee we pushed through to busk 

And it was so worth it because of the kind words from the people around

"I know music is hard to do in Singapore but please keep going, you guys really have what it takes"

"Please join competitions and put yourselves out there"

"Your voices really inspire me"

So sweet!!!

Also as an extrovert I only got more energetic overtime because I vampired the people around me's life forces

But once we were done I let myself feel the exhaustion and then I couldnt finish my food because I was actually too tired to eat 

Glad to have some rest this morning before rehearsal in the afternoon and then gig tonight

I have been blessed with my dream days of acting in the daytime and singing in the night time and im not taking it for granted

(just miss rehearsearls we need to comeback soon)

These packed days make me appreciate my off days more and I make sure to PLAY when I can

18.15pm

The stoic side of me always wants to let people make and learn from their own mistakes

Does that mean my faith in people are strong

I know they can bounce back stronger or learn valuable lessons

12.36pm

Currently trying to choose between sleep, food or last minute gift hunting

Hahahah lol 

23.34pm

8am calltime later

If it was up to me I would pull an all nighter and then just go straight to work

But I dont want to risk eyebags on the first day of shoot

Alhamdulillah for this opportunity of being part of a long form series- though just a side character, she's recurring, she's a somebody

Im grateful for another role

Here's to leaping stones 

Today busking was fun

We almost cancelled our lunchtime slot but we pushed through and then we had fun

I even had time in between the two slots to buy november babies' presents

0 to all settled

And so luckily PLQ had every shop I wanted

Literally every single one

Thankful for today, thank you for easing our affairs Ya Allah 

Here's to another day of hustle!

13.14pm

In all truthfulness it is hard to find a truly reliable person

All you can do is try being one

Merry October (04.07am)

Have a 14 hour workday later today with barely any breaks- but why am I not sleepy!!!

Whats new 

05.25am

Some nights i just dont feel like sleeping and apparently tonight is one of them

Had a saving grace moment today, I fell asleep at basically 11am thinking it's my only day off for the week 

And then I randomly woke up at 230pm and saw a text reminding me of today's work... at 330pm in lakeside :')

Alhamdulillah for accidentally waking up 

I ended up reaching early too, but the place was a maze 

Felt like the main character in a movie who just moved into a new city and finding her way around

Hahahah

Anyway after that I decided to embrace the rare day in the west area of singapore and shopped for some household things

Went home and did a lil spring cleaning

And now im just not sleepy 

Gotta be up in 4 hours so im lowkey just wanting to get up now and do something but idk what so.. lol 

(cue future me telling me to please at least nap)

21.05pm

Did I just... managed to cry on cue for no reason at all!!!!

YES I DID 

What the heck i wasnt even intending to but suddenly my brain was like Ok cry now

And I crode in less than 30 seconds!!

The tip that i shouldnt try to cry but i should try not to cry was the tear falling factor

Slay

U might think im crazy but im just an actress trying to dare to apply for casting calls that says "able to cry on cue" 

Lol 

05.09am

Babysitting is really easy because im a night owl (when they need milk every 3 hours and im just up and dandy)

And it's really difficult because im a night owl (when they wake up at 7am and need to be entertained when i just fell asleep) 

Merry September (16.30pm)

Maybe once I figure out how to tell between my guts and my imagination, i'll be better set 

17.08pm

Not me avoiding the demi x jobros reunion because my tender heart cant take it

Gotta find you does things to my entire soul, what a beautiful song (also play my music) 

01.18am

I am not ok

Never in my 28 years of living have I ever dreamt I would ever hear Kaparinyo live

SHE DID THAT and I am not ok!!!! 

I can FEEL my six year old self jumping within me in excitement and disbelief

Also Es lilin?? Is she crazy??? She tryna kill me with talent

Also fifth concert and still crying so.. next one

Hahah

12.50pm

Hulk Hogan the icon that you are

Everyone knows your name

Though you aren't the most morally upright of men, you helped pro wrestling reach to the heights where it could even reach this girl in Singapore and has since then shaped her life somehow

Also not papa calling me to ask why I never go melawat HAHAHA i said got no flights to US today

Thank you Hulk Hogan it feels weird even typing this cause he's always been immortal

My fondest memories of him include the Hogan-HBK & Hogan-Rock feud

Too cool

Tokti's concert tomorrow!!!

The last time I was at Indoor stadium it was for WWE and tomorrow it'll be tokti hehe full circle moment for me

Excitess

17.02pm

Wished I was at Genting right now to watch tokti :')

Her setlist is crazy OP and I just can hope she does the same epic songs later in sg

Cant wait for videos

Songs i NEED include bisakah, bintang malam, bagaikan sakti, azimat cinta, jaga dia untukku, bICARA MANIS MENGHIRIS KALBU, destinasi cinta AGAIN N AGAIN 

All la OK ur fault for having too many good songs over 30 years HAHAHA love u see u in sg 

Also how do i still get goosebumps from Demi's voice 

TaLenT

04.26am

Not me drinking chamomile tea to hopefully- even placebocally fall asleep earlier

But here we are

In any case, mr fulton taught me to pronounce Chamomile

And that it's good for relaxation while dealing with sharpay 

03.28am

I guess my toxic trait is thinking wow so much time to sleep when it's >4 hours from my alarm time lolol 

Whatmore 5? basically whole night of sleep 

16.46pm

Hard to explain the feeling of synchronicity

09.26am

Need more nice people to be louder in this world 

In the meanwhile, i'll do my best to be one of them

03.57am

Of course on my extreme night owl week I have lines to do and an 8am calltime

Dont even know whether to get a powernap or just stay up 

Ok I could get a good 2.5 hours rest if I fall asleep in the next 8 minutes 

+==edit==+

08.28am

Talk about a miracle, alhamdulillah

Even though I was already on set, my calltime has been pushed back to late afternoon

Girl is happy to go back to get proper rest AND redo her overly powdered base!

Alhamdulillah

19.58pm

Have to keep reminding myself to "choose your difficult"

Currently trying to memorize lines, edit content and learn new songs

I could very easily just not use my brain and do things mediocrely or stay within my comfort zone or take the easy way out

But that's not who I am!

I'm choosing this difficult because it will very much be way less painful than the alternatives

01.12am

I am NOT crying watching a random clip from hsm3!!!

(i am lying)

13.16pm

The more types of people we know, the more we can see

That those who are mean, cold, emotionless, are merely lacking of love or the space to express love

Doesnt make it ok but, I understand.

01.13am

Wow so editing vlogs will either keep me up all night or make me fall asleep quick huh 

What a dual edged sword

11.56am

Not taker's hall of fame entrance giving me shivers though he's there as a presenter

+==edit==+

12.12pm

I had to pause mccool's speech because im literally about to cry tears are filling my eyes 

When I saw on facebook where a lot of men said her speech was boring, I just KNEW I would love it

Boys dont understand

Sadly they have the capacity to but they just dont know how to use it hahaha

I want to continue the speech but I dont want to cry in public plz

+==edit==+

12.21pm

HELP ME i had to pause for a SECOND TIME already

This is like taker's hof speech all over again making me cry throughout

Btw I still havent watched reyrey's speech cus im simply not ready

15.13pm

Excuse me

I opened fb and a clip of hsm3 came out and I watched it and i'm... CRYING?

How can I have watched it a thousand times and still be so emotionally affected!!!

I think i have to watch the full movie now 

08.20am

Don't even know what time I fell asleep was it 3

Dont know whether to stay up or go back to sleep

05.11am

Hibernated today and probably done messed up my body clock

Thankfully not an early day later

An exciting two days ahead

Another gig in Sentosa & then Wicked with my band

And then finally resuming raya visiting

Already miss raya food hahahah

Read my old blog and appreciated the details past me put in- really brings me back to that point in time

But she also put acronyms that I no longer have any semblance of an idea what they mean lol pleasee

Also it makes me want to blog more properly 

I guess with the thought of people reading my blog I subconsciously hold back even though I dont actively decide to 

Ok let's try

Currently my insides are abit of a muddled mush 

Raya was beautiful.

My family went through a really tough start of the year- January and February were a lot of hospital visits and staying strong for each other

First day of raya proved to be extra meaningful- could really feel the meaning of the words Hari kemenangan seeing everyone gathered

Eternally grateful and forever praying for protection for my loved ones; grant them health, wealth, and light ♡

Also realise the people who take longer to seek forgiveness probably has words of affirmation as their love language

(it is very beautiful to witness and I both want to hear and don't want to eavesdrop but ok I just don't eavesdrop because privacy and I respect hahah)

Me too but I also dont want to cry with makeup lol there has to be a better way... maybe a letter in the sampul raya? Actually..... nice

Hahahaha

Something exciting about an ever expanding family, always new homes to visit and new people to learn to love

Something about this fresh new year is making me want to reconnect with many things- I think when some things in life begin to align, it makes you want to arrange other parts too

I know im not the only one whose social environment changed post covid- those who understands, stays, and those who has higher needs, leaves

But it is okay

Loving is time, faith and patience, and I don't feel the loss of those who lacks in these departments

But realigning is where the mush begins, the overfeeling, the procrastination of sorting my thoughts and emotions, I don't really mind it for now though

I know I just need to spend a day with myself

I have been thinking of places that inspire me and I plan to make time to go to those places; revisiting me in some ways, pieces I have left behind there

I haven't even consciously thought of where, but images keep popping into my vision

The route of Bus 131, View of the CBD from a stranger's house in Kolam Ayer, Palawan beach, Mount faber

I don't know why i'm writing these out but sure

The thought of being chosen again feels weird

It feels weird typing that

I don't have a low sense of self worth at all, but there are some things I have to unlearn moving forward before I can stop feeling weird about it

May He always guide and protect us in his love and light and shine his mercy upon us always

So funny-

It felt so natural to type all these

But at the end of it I felt like saving it to draft instead of posting it

Hahaha too used to undersharing at the one place I should overshare aka my diary

We'll see if this attempt at reviving my diary works

Or it'll remain a lolrandom website where I complain about morning shoots x night owlness

p.s. wow i finished typing at 5.46am, much think much rephrasing

16.09pm

It is a crime that raya is only 1 day of holiday 

Thankfully raya is a month but STILL

11.27am

So delirious with my sense of time I finished my 7am shoot and thought it's 5pm

It is 11.27am hahahah

And I got 1/3 of my agenda of the day down

18.44pm

Im the only one stopping me!

(besides god of course)

What a freeing reminder

06.23am

Cant even remember whether I have slept or not

19.16pm

Hate when a thing says brain puzzle and riddles and then it's just math zz lame 

04.22am

Sometimes in praying for betterment, we reject the advances He gives to grant that very prayer

Grateful to have people who care enough to share their feelings

People who believe i'm not the egoistic heartless person I appear to be

And it's only right for me to meet them in the middle

It's so easy to be defensive and tell them they're wrong

But the introspection makes me realise, it's my prayers being answered

Make me someone who eases people's affairs, someone who brings light and happiness in their lives

Ramadan Mubarak, Merry March (06.15am)

Not my bedtime being 1 hour before sahur

+==edit==+

18.25pm

It's okay to take turns showing up

Just don't let go of yourself

13.57pm

Dont understand why some people just cannot shut up 

Not in a deep way, just in a, "guys we're rolling sound, silence on set" 

And some people still NEED to make sounds- like if i can freaking hear u im sure a thousand dollar sound system can pick your sound up too

So annoying

16.44pm

Don't be the person denying yourself opportunities

Merry February (21.56pm)

Hallo

03.22am

Ok the only bad thing about sleeping so little is as a singer my body aka my instrument doesnt get enough energy

I have to be in a studio to record 2 kids songs in 7 hours which means very soprano very not me-zzo 

I have to try and rest

22.36pm

Let me tell you, 20 days of the new year in and my sleep schedule so far is my favourite thing ever

My body somehow only wants 3 hours of sleep, 4 max 

Everyday I wake up to my sleep tracker saying 'No records found' because it can't even tell when and how much I sleep 

Even when I attempt to sleep longer I will wake up every half an hour like my brain is forcing me awake

Anyway

Had a long day but surrounded by loved ones so it was really nice

Had to postpone work to tomorrow but it's ok let's get it over and done with

I should eat my girldinner soon 

Ok bye

13.14pm

Like if you cant ease people's affairs just do ONE simple thing: do not make it worse 

It is not illegal to keep your very unproductive thoughts to yourself 

19.07pm

Some days you just gotta force feed positivity into the universe and your surroundings 

+==edit==+

19.49pm

Isn't it quite cruel how when you love someone, their pain becomes yours

Their tears you're forced to share and their burdens are on your shoulders too

Isn't love quite cruel?

But isn't it also the only thing worth anything

17.00pm

Me watching royal rumble 2004 for the hundredth time: i wonder if i will still be shocked or shout about some entrances

Undertaker's gong: hits

Me audibly, genuinely in shock and excitement: WHOA!!!

Got my answer clear as day 

Also papa when reyrey appears on tv: eh it's you!

HAHAHAHAH

Happy birthday papa love you so much batista dio ♡

16.44pm

Sometimes it's fun to not sleep, go for your morning agendas, and then come back and sleep because then you keep getting realisations that wait it's still today 

p.s loving yourself means leaping between caring for present you, future you and past you because sometimes you need to trouble present you for the sake of future you and then sometimes past you get disturbed in order to get the best version of present you and it all just means you love yourself 

+==edit==+

23.28pm

Would rather photoshop shoes on myself than take a photo of myself with shoes on right now

Hahahaha

Happy blessed New Year! (01.52am)

Okay it is second January 

I went swimming for the first day of 2025, that was nice

Now im cold

Gotta be up in basically 5 hours

Here's to a blessed year under His love, light and protection ♡

Bismillah!